Letter to B 29/4/2024

 Hey B 

The went by and I didnt even know. 

I could focus much at church, you were in my mind. then after I set about doing things but I think I didnt do much and procrastinated most of the items to tomorrow. Hope I can complete them all tomorrow 

packing, fill up the plan. tomorrow will be a busy day for me. 

I am concerned about junior's fever. I hope it will go away tomorrow. dont want that to be bother when you travel or after reach

H did say that he often use gates. I guess you can do the same. 

I was hungry at night and then I bought this 2 packs of potato chips and ate both of them. 

My discipline gone to the gutter. hays.. 

can you please watch out while giving mug shots . do it carefully please 

thank you for checking on me whenever you get time and thank you for grooming yourself. 

I wish I could fly and then come back with you. may be next time. should have planned earlier. it was doable I guess.  anyways. 

I went to run but I just ran like 2 KM . rest of the 10K I just walked and was talking on the phone. 

Letter to B 28/3/2024

 Hey BM 

Please tell me na once, what you have for me. just once. I will never ask again. 

just like in that movie . 

Sorry dear, I should have not said things as i did. please forgive me. 

and yeah you have all the right to demand whatever you want. 

RR is struggling and may not win this match. 

I was thinking, who will tell me if something happen to you. hmm May be I will come looking for you if I dont hear from you. I felt really bad the other day about your experience at the mall, I just .... anyways I cant help it. 

thanks for the efforts for getting ready and groom yourself. I am excited and thrilled. 

soon I can hold you. 

B , I dont think it is few months of getting to know each other . what I experience from you is more like what I experience from a person whom I know for many years. every time that warmth just blinds me, make me say stupid stuff.. sorry again.

hate 

J

Letter to B 27/3/2024

 Hey BM .. 

just that now I am about to get the offer it is time for me to prepare and ramp up to match all the fake stories I told them. I hope in coming days I can refresh my past experience related items. I am sure I set some high expectations with the hiring manager. Hope I can deliver the half at least. 

you are giving me too much teaser cuts about AC and every time i get a new snippet I am like, what. ok. that is interesting. I am waiting for the story. 

But I also bit insecure to get too much interested in the stories cause i might ask something which could make you think that I am judging you or something. so I will hold my horses and listen to what you have to say. 

may be I need to make you take an oath before you start saying anything. anyways it is your story and I can only hope you will tell me what I have to know. 

D3 got a temp offer for a job for 3 months. she might start that . it is with a small utility company. hope she can get some experience over there. now she have like multiple assignments, hope she can juggle multiple assignment she have already. 

I stayed up to watch  as I saw some team scored very high and the chase was on. but it turned bit slow after. so I hit the bed. 

Nyt Nyt B

Letter to B 25/3/2024

Happy Holi , hope you had a good break .. 

Was happy to see you in colors and I could only wish to put some color on you. Can save it for some other day. 

I was keeping myself busy. Had things coming back to me which I had to push to others production issues, financials , leadership meeting. S spoke to me in one of the meetings and even helped me with something . was happy about that interaction. 

you asked me did I missed you. yeah I was bit not comfortable that you are not accessible and I didn't like it. I would prefer to pick the phone and chat/call you when I want to. I dont like this restricted access and I want to give you the same. Just look out for each other when there is something to share or talk. 

I am looking forward to that day we can level up and be on a comfortable zone that our conversations can happen as we wish. I would prefer that than anything else. 

I know that life will take in different direction soon and may be I can move around for another 10 years ( as I please ) will be old soon , I dont know in this 10 years how may times I will get to see you. but at least we can be connected virtually I believe. As I said what ever I feel for ( hate, missing), I want to use it for making myself better. 

ok , I dont want to think too much for now

Letter to B 24/3/2024

 Its a Sunday and you dont rest 

Hey B 

You are putting efforts to check on me. I know you are doing it cause you want to, but it is ok for me, I can wait. I am on this for a long run even I dont hear from you for a while I can still go on with the hope that I can hear from you soon enough. So please dont push yourselves much. take it easy dear. Again I not appreciating what you doing or pushing you away, I just want you to be comfortable. 

I am trying to settle down and leave the interview thoughts behind. I am preparing my mind for the worst too. So it will fine. If not this then some other one. Something should come up. It is just that for me each interview is almost like getting pregnant, I just feel like I am carrying it in me until I get done with it. next time I need to take a dont care attitude and not get too much attached with interviews. 

I checked the whether for next 10 days and there is slight possibility of rain on next Sunday, other days are appearing to be dry. let's see how it goes though .

Letter to B 23/03/2024

Hey B 

15th Day and you are celebrating. :) .. Happy for you.. 

 I couldn't stick to my morning routine today. Had to sleep long. It was nice talking to you and yeah felt good about going into my space with you few times. 

Yeah , I have deleted them all now even from trash bin. I will not take any more, promise. 

My ambition since my college days is to "become free" . 

which means I can do what ever I want as I wish with out worrying about money or job or such things. 

I want to go anywhere I want to go at any time. I want to be with any one who needs me or whom I need whenever I wish too. 

The above is easy to achieve ( if I become real expert in some important Skill) but I dont know what my real interest is ( I am still a generalist), I am still trying to identify what is that important skill I need to focus on or other options is to make crazy amount of money which also I am not sure how. Yeah I am bit lost on a strategy to achieve my ambition at this point. But I am in a good place now and I just need to keep going. build on what I have came so far and dont do anything stupid. 

My brother had a bizarre situation with his current flat mates and he managed it well though. 

He is moving out from the current place and went out for a dinner with the flatmates. They are young fellows have not seen or experienced what we did. 

They were telling him it is a stupid idea for him to come all this way to NZ to do his studies. My Bro is acting like an Ambani to spend all the money to get a college degree. It is of no use. you are out of your mind etc etc. I am glad the way my bro handled the situation, given his temper he would have given it back to those guys. But he kept quiet 

Those guys have not idea what we went through when we were younger. My bro could have done this degree thing when he was younger but he had other priorities and commitments. Anyways people wont understand our journey but it is not fair that they can comment the way they please. Stupid people. 

it is good that he ignored them. it is good that he learning to embrace silence than reacting to stupid people. 

And yeah, I have tiny eeny peeny jealousy when you talk about Itihaas purush , but that is cause I am also human and I dont know what you have for him( or may be I will never be able to understand). But please dont let that stop you from telling me what you feeling, I would love to listen. 

You need to tell me your ambition. dont give me drama Answers. I want you to be something so that you can control your freedom as you wish ( I can benefit from that too, :)) 

With Lots and lots of  hate 

J

Letter to B 22/3/2024

I need to write down when things are in my head, I just forget it sometimes. 

was watching a reel and it says 

" Hate is a trap , you may not be able to resist it. 

   sometimes you may hate someone who can never be yours

  you may have to learn to let their life for anybody or with any one

  but you get a single bit of hate from them you will be happy from that" 

Your hate my dear it is unreal , I think it will take some time for it to sink on me. 

It is like a miracle which I am yet not able to believe is true

so when I am not able to put my thoughts about you in words

please forgive me 

I am bit on mixed thoughts with the interview outcome. 

and ended up writing a follow up email to the hiring manager 

yeah I did that. 

meeting H was good. it was short but kinda pulled his leg alot. 

I think you should have planned to stay the whole week . 

anyway it is fine. 

another few more days wait... 

B , Are you feeling the affection and hate the same way you expect from me

Am I respecting and providing enough goose bumps you earn for 

Is this experience you just manifesting yourself , will I ever be able to make myself worthy for your hate

Are you ok

 Are you ok question ?

I can talk for hours about myself and things around me. I may not get bored with sharing minute details. 

I dont think 1. I am patient active listener. 2. I dont know to ask the right questions. 

So when I ask Are you ok, it means , Yes, I am asking everything is alright with you. It also mean, is there something you wanna talk about, I am ready to listen. It also mean, I am available to spend more time with you. It also mean, I do care for you. 

Faithfully 

Letter to B 21/3/2024

 Hey B

just recording another wonderful day with you 

once an ithihas purush had said 

" If an intoxicated person looks at you then he loose his high an if a sober look at you then he will get intoxicated" 

just keeping for reference for future generations.. hope they will get inspired with this such wonderful words of admiration. 

but I am getting something every time I see you which is kinda weird, I am glad you finding it funny. 

I did missed you today but I had to focus on things which I need to you. but yeah we had fan. thanks. 

"your eyes are lovely , dark and deep but I have tons of stupid things to do. so please help me"

sad that I couldn't see my super market crush today . 

new names today also defende'R", Stalke'R", tease'r"..... 

and yeah, please dont forget that I am the soul you need to stay attached to. 

it is cute to see you having pimples, I would like to believe that it is due to hot weather. 

lesson for the day : Using expired Dosa Batter is still ok . 

letter to B 19 Mar 24

 Hey B 

I had a wonderful day today. with you everyday seems to be exhilarating. I ask for a chocolate drop and you gives me a Chocolate Milk Shake ( I mean you just give it all) . So when I asked to see you in something , you took it to the next level. The Yellow colour and song background and the tease all was way more than what I asked for. Such wonderful moments and experience. you make me feel lucky by amplifying just small things and bringing in a whole new fun thrill level to it . Thank you for it .

And you didnt stop there, you went on . I just wanted to stop what I was doing wanted to enjoy the show you were putting on. I never thought you could be this fun. I am unwrapping a layer of you each day and it seems like there are many more layers and shades of you. 

and I know I talk about, will you stick with me or will drift away talks. you know why I asked it ? cause what i am experiencing is too good to be true and they say "sometimes Good things stay only for a short while" . 

But Anyways, I will just look at the positive side and enjoy the moment. I will pray everyday that tomorrow will be the same with you. I will take it one day at a time or one trip at a time to be yours. 

I did asked you stupid questions and made you uncomfortable. I will work on it. 

My request to you is please never think that I have any agenda or I am judging you with my questions. sometimes my questions will be spontaneous and even I may not think the impact of it on you. May be I am just doing it to just keep our conversation going. so yeah, let me take care of it. 

may be if you are not ready with an answer to certain question then I will let you pause and come back later on it and may be I need to do the same. sometimes it is difficult to put in words what you are actually thinking . I mean this can be applied to certain questions, not all. 

I guess , this is going to my routine moving forward. write a journal to you about my day or what I wanted to share with you or what I wanted to do with you . I wish I could tell you everything so that you know that you are there with me always , every turn I make, every view I see , every moment where I missed you. 

Hate you 

Nyt Nyt

what I should say

 18 March 2024:  I feel the agony of a fish out of water

What should I say 

I missed some one and I cannot do anything about it 

(definitely not you)

What should I say 

I had this pain in my chest and I didnt feel good 

(yeah I can feel it in the chest now, could be gas though)

What should I say 

I Realised the pain will only increase and I need to endure 

( Need to have some antacid medicine)

What should I Say 

I wanted to focus more on things I do, to avoid your thoughts 

( Thoughts are not about you at all)

What should I Say 

I am stupid to be in this position but I am enjoying it 

( it is my choice)

What should I Say 

I am just trying my best not to overthink things

 

What should I Say 

Even if I say there is nothing you or me can do about it 

So let me have my journey in my own way , just stick with me .... 

Thank you

Aaradhike Song Translation

 Direct translation of Song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAezp422I_A

Note: I just copy pasted it from and edited a bit.

My beloved, In the ways where snow falls. 

I have waited for long until my eyes were full....

Wherever you go, even Vanish in the distance.

 I will come rowing in my boat of desires

My heart is full of you. 

You are my ecstasy.

 To know you. To fill your mind. 

I am flowing as a river forever.

My Beloved

In the terrible woes of my life. 

My love, you gave me dreams.

 If you are not there, the light in my life will vanish

In the heavy rain of tears. 

you kept my smile from fading away  

you are the hope which lighted me up

Want to share my heart to you 

and fill you with naughtiness. 

Let’s come closer and stand with desires. 

Hold our fingers. Forget ourselves. 

Let’s row away together in the boat of desires

My heart is full of you. 

You are my ecstasy. 

To know you… to fill your mind.

 I am flowing as a river forever

The dreams will come true one day. 

We will become one then. 

We will fly in the moon light like birds

To you I become a shade. 

To you I become a partner.

 Several dreams, days and nights. 

To write colorful stories. 

We will row together in my boat of desires and go far away

PAGAL

16 March : The Tattoo , oh man

Note: this is not a scolding but my gratitude anthem... 

You are a crazy, absolute bonkers

You redefine the word "Pagal"

or you  embody the truest form of it 

how you could commit like this 

I am dumbstruck you idiot.  

I know you did it for yourself 

but it gave me bloody goosebumps 

I thought I have seen it all 

but dear you take it to another level 

And I dont even know how to react 

I am still trying to catch my breath 

for the warmth and affection you already giving me 

I am getting drenched on your love and affection 

but dear , you still keep pouring and I might drown

I really want you now 

or may be need you now 

come here you stupid 

let me hold you and tell you 

that you are a my stupid Pagal 

and when I do that my hands might tremble 

I might loose my voice and I might tear up 

I may want to touch you but I might freeze, thinking

what I even did to deserve your affection

so then,  please help and hold me closer

we are not meant to be together 

but I think even if we are together 

you may not express yourself affection to me like this

and in return  I only have my prayers and words like these

so my Pagal I cannot but me grateful 

I learned that you can love someone deeply truely 

but then there is you pagal showing me 

that you can love some one as stupid as me 

with so much passion , so much energy 

without even expecting anything 

it is as if you are so rich and so elite in love 

that you just giving away your love to me 

how could you just that idiot 

No one do that , you are insane 

do you even know what you are doing 

when I was young I thought 

I cannot win the heart of a beauty like you 

cause I thought I dont deserve it due to my defects 

but girl, you are giving me what missed 

and giving it for my entire life time ( in just past few days) 

Dont get me addicted and intoxicated on this 

I wish and pray to almighty that I could have this affection 

even a small portion will be enough to satisfy me

you girl , you are a Pagal , Stay the same. 

My Pagal , hate you 

Life : Enjoy or Endure

 16 March 23 ;  Our True lives , which one is real.. Reflections on relationships 

we have a life which we live 

which others know us by 

then we have another one 

which belongs to our true self 

Now Among this two which is real ?

the one others know and experience us 

or the one which we experience 

on our own 

I will try to answer the question in another letter may be. 

if I manage to find one

what I wanted to tell you about is something else

which came to me when I was 

running today morning 

I remember telling you that 

I was asking myself while running (few days ago)

"Am I enjoying the run or enduring it" 

Then I linked that question to life 

Am I enjoying my life or enduring it 

What I had to add on to above today is, an answer.

which is,  "life could be a mix of both" 

sometimes you enjoy things 

as you might be in a comfort zone 

Some other times you may need to endure 

cause you would have put yourself in 

some difficult tough and daring situations

may be you are trying to experience something new 

Now my conclusion, as an insight was 

Enduring life situations may be just like enduring a long stretch/curve in a 5K run 

Enduring situations can be approached with a taste of delayed gratification

what I mean going through enduring situation is just like a hike up a hill/mountain

you may need to enjoy the journey as you go + stay excited about the view from the top

In short, you need to enjoy the endurance situations too

I wanted to bring this to the context of our connection 

we choose this situation , we knew this is not a comfortable arrangement

and it could be painful to drift apart as we move on 

but I would endure it with the memories we had 

and the hope of seeing you again in some near future

I would be able to endure it with a smile in my face 

which could pop up  when I think about you 

I would be able to endure by going back to redolent memories 

of how you smelled when I was holding you tight and many more

(Note: redolent : fragrant or sweet-smelling. , I googled it , will save you the effort) 

and BM, I will push myself with every cell in my body 

to put me in a position where I will be able 

to be yours whenever possible. 

I will never

March 15th 2024 : She Had tears in her eyes.. 

I will never understand you butter milk 

I can never comprehend how you could 

I do not think any logic can explain 

how you found the love you have for me 

you are so hopelessly romantic 

you have found love where it wont exist 

you bestowed me with love so pure

I will never know how you did that 

you knew it would bring pain 

you knew it would crush your heart 

but still I will Never know 

why you choose to love me 

your eyes are now watered 

you want to smile and act normal 

I will Never know dear 

how you might pull through 

I want to hold you and tell you 

we may move apart 

we may get busy

but I will never leave your side

How I could forget your eyes my love 

Where I can find such passion 

I will never have a single day pass by

without longing for you

Good Luck My Butter Milk

The moment I spoke to you I felt you are special 

there was a kindness in your voice 

I dont remember when I saw you for the first time 

it could be a pic of yours, I dont recall the exact moment

but the moment I saw you I knew that you are way above my league 

Hence I just stick to what I am supposed to do 

just focus on the work at hand

There was so much going on and I did take time to check you out 

Your DPs mostly, once in a while. Never look at your stories as I dont 

want you to know that I am interested 

may be I thought it is bit unprofessional

there was an attraction but it was just something that

I never want to dwell on much 

Then came a moment which I had to fall back on you 

for support, guidance and some positive spirit 

And you stood by me even you didnt owe me anything 

that put some seeds in my heart that 

yes, you could be some one I am gonna be friends for coming days

still I did not want to take much liberties or consume any time of yours 

as we were all crazy busy with stuff to do 

and I know you have your things to take care of 

I never knew there could be a space within yours which I can occupy 

And in my world everything is kinda settled 

I have a path already set on what I am about to do next 

however I wanted to take you along in my journey as a friend

as our path were starting to diverge

Hence I started speaking to you and putting demands to be my life time friend

started sharing things about my personal life 

I felt I can have a deep connection with you as a friend 

and share all of my life with you 

however I am not sure what kind of impression that might leave on you 

or I am not sure you are even ready for it 

To my surprise then you were more than interested but curious about me 

your questions made me to open up more and express all my fears and stories 

And some where on the journey I got opportunity to  meet real  you 

the mischievous, daring, caring and a crazy person

I knew that there are boundaries which I need to keep 

I am not supposed to extend liberties than appropriate 

however as days went by I got to know that I have other feelings for you 

I wanted more intimacy levels other than friendship 

for the first I realised that relationships are very complicated 

you will Never able to define few of them as they are not meant to be defined

but I knew the feelings are not sustainable and will go away eventually 

I know that the time and opportunity to act upon any such feelings is long gone 

All I could do is to stick around in any capacity I can around you 

whatever I have in this level as a friend is more than a blessing 

and whatever I am receiving and will receive in future above that level 

will be a treasure which I want to cherish that for life 

cause you are a gem and I want to make you feel special 

So dear butter milk , thanks for Turning up like a star in the sky 

you and your affection fills my heart and makes me float in the sky like a bird

I never got attention from some one as beautiful as you 

you showed me that I do deserve a space in the heart of a beautiful soul 

and that I will never ever let go .. 

so even in coming days we dont speak much or get busy 

I will still come looking for you over a chat or a call

to tell you that I miss you 

and smile looking at a pic or a response which I might get 

My eyes might tear up as I dont have you nearby 

but then that is life and that longing will drive me 

to get back to you in real for few minutes at least

to hold you and tell that " I missed you my butter milk" 

I am ready for this journey and I am sure you are onboard too

let us enjoy the moments we have now to the most 

Make the most precious memories so that we can relive them 

in our conversations in days to come or plan for new ones. 

Good luck Butter Milk.