Letter to Kanmani 1/7/24

 Hey laddu my kanmani 

i can say that i didnt expect my scenario will be when i came over. i was trying to get into the routine and i had my struggles. but more than me you struggled alot. all the while i was giving an impression that i am reaching out you only when i have spare time and clearly on certain situation i am not keeping you as a priority. this all will give you an impression that i am just finding excuse to stay away from your or not interested in you. 

I agree i have failed on certain occasions to put you first that i only because i dont wanted any trouble or unwanted attention on what i am doing. the toll my actions had on you is more than that i can imagine. i am sorry for not being a good companion. 

i am kept busy , i need to focus on finishing my stuff, moving forward i might struggle to even find few minutes to talk to you. even you are going to go to office and try a new routine. Dear i have nothing but  my gratitude to give you back for all your efforts. my love also not even enough. i am a clear red flag for you as a partner still you decide to stick with me. 

but i hope all this are just temporary, things will change soon . i may go back to SG soon and i hope i will be atleast reachable to you. i hope so . 

i will go sleep now. you take care tomorrow. please dont take any risks. take it easy. 

i enjoyed all the reels you sent to me and i am just thinking and praying your wishes will come true. i dont know how. let me wish with you too.

i am still not feeling that great. i hope to recover fully tomorrow. 

love you Laddy 

J 

even while typing this i am scared that M might come in to the room anytime. i am sorry. 

Letter to J..30th june 2024

 Hey J,

Last day of the month and week..

Wat a week and month this was for me..

Too much pain i would say..

A month filled with insecurity, jealousy, forcing to accept hard realities...a week seeking validation, my presence in ur life, priorities and many more things..1st time 30 days away from u physically and also 1st time u not so reachable..

Yes with all these v had many good moments too together, thank u for that...

Good job on all ur hard work..i know i didn't support u as u expected...

Hope u will get well soon and recover..

I should stop validating my presence in ur life.... whether ur feelings for me is greater than u ever felt before with others ...bcoz i will not get answers and it will just cause pain...

Yes 2nd point i couldn't tell as i didn't see M...and i don't want to disappoint u with my words too..

I miss ur letters... hope one day in my life i will also get physical letter like u used to send M like a deewana....

Yes its a month without chi chi with M...yes in this quarter only twice we had..apr once and may once.

With u 18 sessions in 3 months...

J, sorry re if any of my actions or words hurted u..

Its just that i m in confusion about my existence in ur life...ur feelings for me....

But its the journey i signed up for and need to handle myself...

Love,

R

Letter to my Jaanu---27th June 2024.

 Dear J,

Its been 3 months now, tum abhi tak nahi samja how is R karke? What does she need?

Pyaar se 2 line liko my ladoo I miss u karke.…she will come back running and jump on u to hold u tightly…Once bharya forever bharya right? If bharya thoda naraz/confused hai tho nahi manaoge kya..? 

But dear do u realize wat i am going through? Really not in a good state re..Pain in heart, pain in teeth, Pain in toe nail(its cut)...I m not ok at all...andhar hi sab bharke have to act normal in front of all...

J, really my absence se farak padta hai kya tumhe? Mera tho jaan jaatha hai re without u..I do feel breatless even if i am disconnected with u(behaving formal)..U didt realise it wen i cried saying i love u while doing WC..i want to vent out re lying on ur shoulder..

Yes we said bye around 6 30 pm on 26^th June.

Since then every 5 mins I was looking for u in insta, blog and teams..i wrote in teams around 8 Pm..then I kept checking teams for u reply…After 4 hours u posted something in insta..then u wrote in blog later..dear I missed u terribly.

U ve know idea how I slept without saying Good night to u..yes I was upset..u said the love to the core u experienced with M but doesn’t wish to experience with me as it will give pain..

Yes again I slept only 5 hours yest…

Morning was weird..1^st time with saying GM to u started my day..

Every team notification I was thinking its u…was looking for ur insta post..if I can see u..

I was so happy when u checked how I am..ya wen  u called me in zoom ya messaged in wapp(I was on call wen u msged or called before getting into train). 

Even if u hadnt said wanna see u i would ve called u re..i dot want a single day in my life without seeing u..atleast a pic is must..

Jaanu, I don’t know re wat I am to u..but for me u r my Jaan..my life..every min, even seconds I think about u.

Found this in insta, apt for me..I found my person and its u..its just that it hurts when I think I am not the same for u..

“When u look at them,

And feel in every single bone,

That u do not want to live one

Day on earth without them,

Home is where they are,

And ur hearts hurts a little bit moew

When ever u have to separate,

U should know,

U did it,

U found ur person……”

The moment u said u r coming in July too if possible..my heart pounded with joy..

Already R’s imagination started..Mumbai trip with J(now I don’t know it will happen or not).

I moment person goes away from life we will realise their value..i felt it..i missed u today.Dont know y u were not posting in insta anything..

J, this is my side of story re how i felt. 

But i dont think u also felt the same in my absence..bcoz in my mind its imprinted wat u said.."Wat i am feeling for u , u felt for M, the depth of love" tho mere liye aisa feeling kabhi nahi ayega..

Its fine even if one sided i have to accept it and stay quite..bcoz at the end i hate u to my core...with my each breath and heartbeat..which will shayad stop only once my hearts stops beating ..

Until then let me continue this journey with the doubt and confusion in my mind..Am i also special to someone? 

lots of love,

Bharya

Letter to BM 27/6/2024

 i dont you need this .. but then i will write , that is all i can do 

Hey R , Laddu 

you take your time but do come back, please don't leave me hanging for long. 

i am not going to comment on your approach to love hence i will let you experience it the way you want but let me just say one thing. Love is definitely about putting the partner above everything else. 

you are walking this talk to the dot. as i said i wish i could do the 10% you do. i often go to opposite direction and take you for granted on certain occasions or may be most of the time. i have no excuses that i am not reciprocating anything. i did told about this from the beginning and at this point it is bit unbearable for you that i am making choices which is not ideal. choices i am forced to take due to my circumstances. you were right when you said when i am with others i behave different. 

i could have done better and i know i exhausted all my chances by hurting you again and again. 

but dear, you must know another aspect of love is to be there even when you dont get what you expect. 

i went through the same emotions you go through with M. i loved her to the bone but she was cold to me. i was not even a priority even she told that i am not the priority. i burned in love with her. and that fire eventually destroyed the deep desire for her. i kinda buried my love. i got conditioned. now i am with her to provide the right amount of love she needs. not more or less. 

we all need to stay happy and most important thing ( let me tell you) is finding that happiness within you. it is hard earned lesson. yes you will go numb if you do that. but there is no other way. you are right to say that it is 100% or nothing. so then dear, then there is a long journey ahead of you to learn it. again it is your choice you dont want to learn to love others the way they are and no a mirror of you in dimensions of love. 

Now i start imagining parallels on your journey with AC. May be he walked away cause it was not possible him to let you experience the pain of this journey. i just wish that the journey with him groomed you to prepare your mind to open with caution

but then you went all in with me and you didn't consider the side effects neither i cautioned you or i was earlier in a bettercircumstances to move with you. 

this is an adjustment you will make in due time. i wish good luck and my apologies on putting you in this position. 

i dont have words to console you or comfort you. please recover soon. 

you take care 

with absolute numbness 

J 

I just imagine that

 you are there in a room crying your hearts out or looking at the wall and wondering what is wrong with yourselfi am in that room looking at you standing at one corner, i want to tell that everything will be ok. want to tell you i did things or made choices cause i had to do what is best for the situation yes it seems or really it is i took for granted but the truth is i wanted to be with you but i just couldn't but i will remain silent cause my words wont make any change or wont make you feel betterall i can do is just stay there for you to turn back at look at me , look at me just once so that you can see how sorry i am. how i am broken to make you cry. 

Letter to J- 25-06-24

 Hey J,

Good that urs and M ka patch up hua without much drama..

Trying to get used to time boxing thing..more audio call(though desperately i wish to see u..i control thinking u might not be in a position ya i keep wondering maybe its only me who wants to see u, u wont feel the same) i need to support you and i will. I am tracking the time as u wanted to know where u spent time..

morning call--30 mins

afternoon-40 mins

Evening 20 + 50 mins

I was missing you so was reading ur and M's chat today..

So understood more about u, how u felt.

i really felt bad, biggest decision of life like divorce u did alone, couldnt even share it to M while signing.

Hmmm, i just wished in future tumhe kabhi ye situation na aaye and I wish i will be there for u when u want to share anything.

Hmm few similarities I found..5 years thing u told M too, cant come and  stay with u, whenever u admired her body. Few dialogues which u say to me now...

Hmm..all this will again and again make me think i am just another episode. Nothing different, nothing special..  in 1st place i shouldnt expect ..

Ya u asked who approves the budget, no one..All i wish is my J spent all his life repaying loan, asissiting others(i m not saying its wrong, u feel good u do it ) so now i want him to spend for him without thinking twice ya hesitating, be it buying any stuffs or travelling. So i never want u to spend anything extra by delayig booking ya choosing suite(so i told u normal room also fine, suite i thought u would like to have in sofa so).

i keep wandering y i keep asking u minute details..be it conversation with P, M ya with papa..maybe i am trying to put myself in that place and try to experience wat u ve felt..dont know how much irritating it will be for u if i keep repeating.. 

ya sometimes u will not tell in detail and sometimes u do..so maybe i am confused.

eg: u jh and dh in street even each diaogue u explained 

But today u said M made dosa..i was wondering suddenly dosa kaise banaya..kuch pre hua hoga na..like later u said she came looking for u, u went and stood in kitchen..i had to ask in detail tho mujhe ajeeb lag raha tha..

maybe i need to stop digging and absorb only wat u feed...kya karu with u talking itna adat hua hai i go deep..in that process i keep asking question..

Hmm..u asked me will u wait for 5 years..I dont know J people change..Even u had told M how crazy are you for her, same with me to M i will stay karke but we outgrew love with him..But tumhara saath mera alag hai..as said i never loved anyone the way i loved u..mera soulmate maana...mera mirror..u said na u just smile it will reflect on my face...i will wait dear 5 years nahi jyada hi...all i wish is i get to spend atleast few years of my life poora with u..kitna din nasseb mein hai pata nahi..but ya my WISH!

Tooth pain ya dil ka pain once started no turning back..te pleasure i might get will be with the pain..so need to accept it..

So if i count our arguments its 3 times(2 while coming to london, 3rd when u were going to google office and i called u while u were in train) so all 3 bcoz of ur uncomfortable in public which i didnt realise initially.

You said marrying M was the regret and dont know where it would go..at times i feel i am the culprit for coming in ur life..U had settled..Ghar, google job sab was in the plan..if i go away shayad u will be in peace with M..ur home, ur family karke bohat lagta hai re...down the line after years M ke saath disconnect hona pada tho u might feel connecting with me was also the regret of ur life..let me remain as best seasons of ur life not a regret.

Letters to BM 24/6/24

Hey laddu  

Need to love a women who is drunken in love 

Need to burn in the heat of her love 

Need to melt in her looks graced with love 

Need to drown in her love 

Sit beside her during the ever quenching spring of her 

Need to grow with her

Need to flourish and flower with her 

Need to learn what is love from a girl who know to learn with out bounds 

I want to give my love and tell her that I can also love with out any limit 

Need to follow a woman who love with out bounds 

With her touch I need to be a cool gentle breeze

Need to embrace her with my love 

While embraced I want to whisper intoxicating poems in her ears 

Need to know the dreams of passion of that woman 

Need to be amazed by her wants 

It is true that she can love well beyond what I can imagine 

My woman 

Love J 

Letter to my KA- 24-06-24

 Dear J,

10:40 AM

Sorry, bcoz of me you had to panic. We were discussing something and call went beyond 6 AM(4 mins).

Tears are just rolling down on my cheeks..i could feel that wat u might have gone through seeing M suddenly. didnt like you in that position. 

Yes there is a urge to be with u in real, wen its not happening the urge to be at least virtual grows for me.

So keep on talking with u over VC maybe and share things which never ends..

But it doesnt mean u ve to go through something unpleasantful. 

Ya i am not ok..and dont know y i am crying..amy be bcoz u r in some situation and i cant even talk to u..

Whatever i have decided not to look for u in wapp, teams and zoom..wen you are in comfortable zone u will reach out to me..Dont know how long i can do this as resisting u is the most difficult task for me..i really hate u J and i am feeling ur pain now. U had to go through it. 

Again Sorry, maybe will take a while for me also to settle..

1:45 PM

Hmm..Dh was right.. you will sit and cry if M finds out..I can feel it the way u spoke today after M went to office..1st time i also felt shayad tum kabhi kush nahi reh paoge while staying with me in small house(if ever happens).. all this also made me think for a moment should i stop everything ..being ur bharya for ur peace maybe..

3 45: Why cant i share ur problem bolo..stupid..if u not ok how can i be ok...even u will feel bad wen i am not ok right? it is part of emotional intimacy shayad...

7 30: One thing i felt watever happens between us or even if v argue..may be both ll be on competition to say sorry or listen or talk to each other..and our chi chi ka alag baath hai..i was down poora and the moment u asked in whisper mode' kya darr lagta hai bolo' i went to complete diff zone..just vibed with u and v had a good chi chi..feeling fresh now..with u emotional physical intellectual sab intimacy i just vibe and it really gives peace re...

Thank you!

Bottom line: hopefully after many 4.s we still remain crazy for each other aise hi...

u be careful, i will wait for our time...dont take risk for blog or insta updates..

Hate u more day by day Jaanu...ummhaa...

Letter to BM 23/6/24

 Dear laddu

May be you are right I don’t hold close to me as mine hence I don’t have that jealousy feeling of sharing you with others . But then if you were just mine for real of course it could have hurt me more or may be I experienced it before and my mind don’t want to be there 

It says that a cat which drink hot milk and got burned will never touch the milk again . May be mind gets that muscle memory where it recognise a painful pattern and choose not to experience that pain 

Dh is recovering I guess but today also she had pain and relying on pain killers 

I don’t know I am not able to accept that something wrong could happen . Even few months back when our grandpa was terribly sick and in ICU and all . Everyone kinda prepared to let him go . But I was like nothing will happen why you guys being so dramatic. I was making fun of my brother( he cried a bit it seems ) . I don’t know re , may be I will be the one who might miss them all the most when they are gone . I don’t know 

Your dreams of us being together . I don’t have anything dear . All I think have could be gone in seconds . I am just saying I will give you may be for now . I don’t know about tomorrow . But I do believe god will provide . He won’t leave us behind . I pray . 

You are right that we don’t know about he future . Being together is our destiny the so shall be it . But as I said I really pray that you don’t have to go through that journey of separation and all . I have explained in details about my journey . I don’t wish that for you . 

I am and always will be with you . 

Love you 

J

Jaanu....20th June 2024

 Hey Bhartha,

Wanted to write from Monday... somehow got pushed till Thursday...

Dear it's been almost a month now u left pune after 4.2 and in these 28 days u might have seen different shades of me and especially my emotions.

Last 2 adventures happened within a month..this time its a long wait of 75 days...ya i keep counting days to see my man..to be in his arms ..to get lost in his eyes...and to show how much i hate him through my slightest actions of showing love, affection ya through chi chi..

I go to this extent bcoz i think u r my man.. my bhartha as said in real u r not but for me u r..u r not side chick ya keeper ya kuch which is real as per definition but not according to me.

This life i will keep yearning for u jaanu..tho wen u say about cuddling , chi chi with M i feel I cant have those moments with u so mera dil bhar jaye ek baar.

Coming to sat evening episode wen u were explaining about M asking chi chi daily and she ll get hold of u ya u massaging M i felt ajeeb sa re..

I felt i am just another person like a top up to M's plan. So thought ll not talk about ur intimate moments anymore...for that i need to be rigid so I won't blabber anything to u..so I tried to distance myself from u and doing so every minute i died.

J i m falling asleep writing...let me complete tmrw pls...

To be continued..

Hate u a lot,

My jaanu

Hmm..No comments means you have not seen it yet. Let me continue writing today(21st june)

so I tried to distance myself from u and doing so every minute i died. I took every pic for u..each moment u were with me last sunday..just was checking can i bear J detox..can i goto ur friend zone...no i cant..will be hard on u as well as myself...

Reading ur previous letter u wrote on monday i felt like i came back bcoz u explained to me..NO the thing is i never went kabhi..Pagal wat do u think can R be in peace kabhi without her J? Sun wen u saw me at night while in tram i could see that joy,relief  in ur eyes..the way u were saying my bharya...and was pampering me with ummhaaa..u said until u ve that ring i will not believe anything..Yes i was ur bharya, i m and want to be always..

I know may be i am over caring but not to point out but i really felt bad wen u had to go search food on wed afternoon. Just felt something should ve been there for u as u already working 2 shifts...tired..again ve to go out...so was stressing a bit to keep batter or something for u. Even wanted to order some food for u..Added everything to cart too..

Dont know y i was saying u listen to M but not me, by saying so atleast i wanted u to take care of urself..be it food, dandruff ya fitness...

Again i am too sleepy, will continue tomorrow..

Good Night J.

....,........................

22nd june

Hmmm..

Today also J didn't read even though i told him yesterday...was thinking how ur rest of the day went yest...after interview..wat u ate..u went out ya home cooked...did u read ya watch any movie till u slept....i know difficult for you to write wen M around ... also insta stories u r worried now..its ok..but i miss ur letters... generally we catch up next day and update in calls..but now 2 days nahi hoga call..

Thanks for updates today and also the call...i was remembering ur face during tooth extraction..

J whenever u say ya offer money for me i sat no bcoz sirf mere liye kuch nahi chaiye dear..sab humhara hoga...keep money aside of our adventures..u enjoy the world together..ya a small house where v might spend our old days if in destiny ya if ever v get married (aise hi saying as anything can happen with destiny) to stay..i don't know wat ll happen but mere liye sirf J chahiye.. so fund , money will be for us... not for me..

Let me sleep now and continue writing tmrw...srupi y u not reading my letter even though i told u.

i miss ur letters..i know ur situation..thoda bhi acha lagta hai.. thanks for expressing urself saying u miss me in story ..

Letter to bm 17/6/24

 I am glad I could talk to you long today . Thank you for staying back . I don’t what ever we spoke make complete sense . Let us take one day at a time . With the hope that we get to be together as per our plans . Hope to see each other in near future . Hope that our plans will work out well . Hope to be in each others arms soon . 

I just hope we can survive this way . 

My laddu , I wonder how I will let you know in word how much I cherish you . Even if I count all the gifts I got till date it won’t match you . It is just not cause you make me feel special . It is just cause of your existence , your smile , you being you . 

I want to write more and I will about you . But now I need to get some sleep to wake up early to talk to you . 

Till then

Hate you Laddu 

j 

Letter to BM 16/6/2024

 hey Laddu 

thank you for pouring out your heart. 

I hope that gives you some relief from the agony you are experiencing. 

But first let me thank you for your love laddu. 

I never deserve to receive anything from you 

but you are giving me more than there is to offer. 

but i dont want you pushing yourself will take you to a point 

where you cannot even talk to me in future. 

It is true with such emotions you can only be full on 

else you wont feel alive or experience it in its true form 

your emotional and physical needs from a partner need to be satisfied 

it is quite normal long time partners loose that spark eventually 

and settle into a routine which they both are comfortable. 

As you said May be M is settling into that rhythm 

but for me and my M we are just starting 

we are just starting our life together under a roof of our own

i guess we will also reach a stage where we might hit the same plateau 

but again our connection is like as if we are strangers already 

i mean, we talk just enough so we might survive the plateau phase ( in future)

just saying connection levels are different for different people. 

with you i can share anything, can talk for hours without a topic 

also argue or discuss about things in length 

also the physical urge to have you is also is strong 

is this affecting my connection with M 

Answer i dont want to , i want to keep it separate. 

i dont want to confuse things and suffer and all 

I been there where you are now and it is not a good state. 

the only person who can help you is you 

you may need to train your mind on this 

then you say you might go zero level and 

will not be able to have the same passion for me

This may be you need to try it out. may be it could be possible

i believe you could love me different from M and at the same time 

Not hurt yourself. i dont know it will work but please try i suggest

i can wait for you to evolve and learn this part of yourself. 

but from my experience you will survive that low phase 

you will be able to love me again but it will be in a different level 

may be not this deep but then you will still be able to 

but not like the way you love M , there will be a difference.

Same happened with me towards M. i had that possessive deep love before at first 

but then it changed, it turned into let her be happy kinda love. i will just witness her life kinda love.

hence i think even when you are with M, i can take it 

you might then ask me " you love for me is not deep enough" 

my answer is ,i do love you but i dont want that to hurt me. 

i care for you but i cannot do that if i am suffering 

Your dreams and wished about setting up our own place some day 

i am not in a position to dream about such things. 

who knows, down the line after 5 years we still share the same passion for each others 

then we can reevaluate , but breaking another persons heart and home is something 

i need to find whether i have the energy and courage for that. 

may be your love might feed into that. 

i dont want to hang you on any promises which i dont have any control 

even i dont want to think too much ahead about anything even my life . 

i want to live this moment to max in whatever way possible 

bottom line , i am not saying may be what you want to hear

but all i am saying is i am with you in this journey 

i love you my laddu with all i have got (even that is not enough i know) 

i only got words for now and a virtual presence in your life 

i dont know that will be enough to feed your physical and emotional needs 

i am not sure dear . for me i wake up every day with 0 needs. 

when i get something above 0 i am already happy 

if i dont get it even i am happy 

finally dear, let me remind you. your happiness is within you

nobody owns it , dont let anybody own it. dont give it to a stupid guy like me 

let me conclude with a line from the movie 

"there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours. Your Hope and heart"..

May be my heart is not stone, it is just that i hope and pray today is the day i wont let anything or anyone get to me. not make me sad or cry or put me in agony. 

cause i am the master of my soul and mind. i control them and not the other way around. i want to be happy and i choose to be happy. 

i may not be happy but i will make sure that i not sad. 

May be i am giving some dumb advice. it is just that i worked for me. 

Jaanu -R's jaan

 Jaanu...

1st time i ever i called someone with this name... why jaanu bcoz someone has become my life, my jaan , my everything maybe..

Close to 5 months now.. witnessing each others life..being part of the life..

I keep asking y do i hate u so much by burning myself with pain....like a candle burning one self to give light to others..all i know is u deserve lots of love and u need to live life to atmost...

From last fri i m acting weird and not only soaked myself in pain but also giving u pain indirectly..was thinking to pen down from a week but couldn't..

Sorry J for acting like bipolar ya spilt personality...its just that at times i try to suppress my feelings and at times i couldn't suppress it.

.So what's that feeling? Its a urge to be with u as ur bharya ... shower u lots of love with my affection and chi chi...

A feeling where I can't love M as romantic partner anymore..have respect and love as my daughter's father only....

A feeling where i can't see M as ur romantic partner doing chi chi with u..

Now question is why... maybe i don't want to share my man with anyone else...i know the reality is he os actually her man and not mine...it really hits hard..

I cant do chi chi  with M...he shouldn't feel doubt on me and also to safeguard my gaurds by making him feel he is not asking for cg6i chi and before he asks tmrw (by chance) i asked today night wen he was making jr sleep...bcoz i knew 100 percent he ll sleep off and not do.. that's wat happened..he didn't call me after jr slept instead he slept.. 

I can go numb.. but if i go then ll ve effect on u too ..as said i m extremes so with u also i ll be kinda disconnected..like will listen to but not tell anything to u..no intimate feelings.. emotionally and physically too..like i m with M...these days whatever M does will not affect me at all.. even if he sleeps with someone.

I was saying without marathon and vc and all will I feel the same emotions with u after a month? Pata nahi...

Sorry J for talking all these and spoiling ur mood too wen u want to ve ya M wants to ve some quality moments .

I know i ll be deprived of both emotional and physical intimacy which i deserve as can't have it  with u and don't want to do with M..how long i csn survive God knows...

Y i asked screenshot was just to see ur reaction at that moment..not like to see ur jagda... earlier also during another mobile episode i had asked so to know u better...a person speaks lots of truth wen angry...so u wanted to understand through chat wat u felt.. definitely got to know many things and you..like how u felt during dubai incident ya later wen M didn't give phone number for interviewing.

That's all... nothing else 

I don't know wen u said M is kanjoos like u i felt bad as mein nahi hoon wen it comes to relationship... already i always feel u spending more for our adventures not me...i never want anything from u re kabhi money wise...R kanjoos hoti tho 500 rs cake ko 3500 nahi deti to just make it special for loved ones.. 

Chalo...goon night J

Letter to BM 14/6/2024

 Hi Laddu 

i dont know what you are going through. it is just that i feel a lit bittle of ghosting effect. i dont have any issues. you can take your time. i hope you will find your peace soon. 

I did some work after i woke up. i pinged you right after you logged of i guess. i left insta stories but you didnt see them, i would assume then you are busy tor slept early ( which is good). i will try to start bit early tomorrow. may be at 2:30 AM. Need to do the summary before i talk to purush in the afternoon. 

tomorrow lunch plan is on and i hope we can go but there is delivery of bedframe tomorrow. 

google onboarding related documentation came through. filled up the forms, mostly NDA and code of conduct and so forth. 2 more steps pending but it is not active yet. so probably next week i should have a google account. 

then i felt like writing the below 

i felt numb may be even more number 

do i even exist in this world 

and if i exist am i just a void 

why i cant feel anything 

M said she gonna meet a friend in Saturday and said she wont be available. just like that. hmm that is new. i didnt ask much. i might go spend some time with ethen and grumpy then or meet up with a freind of mine. lets see

hope you can talk to me tomorrow. ( may be if you ghost me then i will put this line in my every letter). 

i was challenging you that you cannot ghost me. i know you can do that. but then it will be such a waste to do so. 

hate you and waiting for you get back to me soon 

lots of hate and hugs 

J

Letter to BM 12/6/2024

 Dear R 

are you feeling ok. how is your chest. can you eat some proper food or please make sure it is acidity or something like that.  please take care of yourself for me. 

i was in a hurry today morning and i didnt mean to talk to you in that tone. I am sorry again how it turned out. Next time i will definitely call it code red and then talk to you about it later. there is no point in getting in these uncomfortable zones. 

M told me she will be able to work from home. so may be plan for chi chi wont work. Need to wait for friday, but F might be home. but let me find a way. Also depends on office plan . 

i dont know i bit on the D side or mode may be due to stress, usually it happens to me. i am trying to do something to crazy to divert my mind from being stressed. but i think i need to control it cause it might create some new patterns which is not healthy. patterns as in too much D engagement. let me enjoy it in limits. 

i will try to catch up some work. 

will update further later 

Hate you 

J

J's D world - 11/6/24

 hmm .. i dont know whether you will like this . but just my thoughts 

I have some 30 mins before I go home . so let me continue the experience 

after reaching bus stop it started raining. it was pouring cats and dogs and got very dark suddenly. 

R was standing in the bus stop waiting for the bus stop.  bus stop was not well covered and hence r was 

getting wet due to drops which was caught in the wet. her sleeveless top was getting wet a bit. 

J was standing beside her a little apart. people standing running to the bus stop to take shelter from rain 

and soon the bus stop became crowded. J and R was pushed by the crowd to come closer almost to the point 

their shoulder were touching. J could notice that R is not comfortable with the crowd so he tried to 

maintain some distance from him giving R some safe space. 

Then the bus came and R suddenly move to get in to the bus. while getting into the bus R got even more wet.

her full dress was now drenched. it is almost as if she took shower in that dress. the dress was hugging her body. 

her B outline was clearly visible from the back. J followed R to get into the bus and some how managed to get in.

inside the Bus it was even more tight with people jam packed. R tried to find some space standing between two people.

J also got just behind R and was trying to hold on to something for balance but was jam packed between people. 

due to crowd trying to get in J was placed beside R. They were standing so close that R could feel J breathing into her

neck. R was trying to hold the top support with her hands. J could see her B from the side. the wet top 

showed the exact profile of the B. also when he looked down he could see R's Back and butt also as the dress was wet. 

bus started moving and as it was raining it was moving very slow and breaking often due to traffic. 

Each time it as difficult to balance with such crowd j happened to bump into R. R looed at J . J apologized. 

next time it was R who bumped into J . R looked at J and looked away. 

next stop there was more people and bus got even crowded. R was standing side ways facing the window between the 

seats and with people around her. she was right at the centre row, people sitting at the seats cannot see her. 

J was facing the back of the bus and standing beside R. 

J found that due to the crowd now his body is now pressed to R from top to the bottom. He tried to move away at times 

but he couldn't help it. his feet was pressed against R feet, she moved her feet at the beginning but there was not space 

left to move it any further. J found some urge feel R . he wanted to take advantage of the situation but was 

worried how R might react. he slowly bent this knee to touch Rs legs, one touch at a time along with the bus movement 

then after just kept the contact, waited for any reaction from R . but R didn't seem to notice. 

he want to take more chance , he then dropped his right hand from the top support and kept it close to R's hip. 

Then slowly started making contact, once touch at a time. R was looking away and didn't react. 

then J just changes hands and brought down left hand this time and started touching her back. like keeping the entire 

hand in R's butt to feel it. This time R turned her head and looked at J . J got bit scared and took his hand off. 

he changed his hands and put the left hand below and was in a confused state on what to do next. 

Suddenly R got hold of his hand and put it in her thighs by the side. J got really excited and moved this hands to the gap 

between thighs to the top. he moved his hands over thighs and to her gap between the thighs over the dress. at the same time looking 

around whether some one is noticing or not. luckily it was dark too and no one was noticing. 

J then moved his hand to R's Bs and started touching . he searched for her nipple over the dress.

also at the same started slowly pressing his stick to the side . 

he starting rubbing the stick to the side. it was cold and the rubbing feeling made him warm. he leaned more 

close to R like they both were feeling the warmth of their bodies. 

R slowly turned a bit towards the back of the bus and now showing her back to J. Now J s stick is completely 

pressed in between R' ass. J could feel that R was pressing her Ass to the stick. he started moving the stick 

slowly over her ass. at the same time holding her hip and slowly lifted her top. 

once the top was lifted enough J put his hands inside the Rs pants. J can see Rs body was shivering a bit 

she managed to hold a plastic bad she was carrying as a cover in the front. 

J could slow insert his fingers and could find Rs lotus and it was very wet. J started to touching it softly. 

At the same time pushing with stick from the back. J touched her for a while and could realise that he himself 

is about to come. he stopped what he was doing. Now he know that R is interested also. 

he turned her facing him. he wanted to see her up close and have an eye contact while he was touching her. 

R turned around but was looking away. J moved his finger and inserted it inside R . then R just gave him 

a look to stop it. J continue to slowly move the finger inside and out for a while and took it out . 

J and R were facing each other so close that their lips were almost touching. J moved to Rs ears and whispered 

" you are very sexy, I couldn't help but let you know that I am attracted to you. I took the liberty to touch you, 

I didn't mean to be a nuisance but I was not able to control myself. can I ask your permission now atleast. 

R looked at him and moved her eye brows as if saying " permission for what". J said, in her ears, i want to worship you, 

if you allow me 

To be continued..

Letter to Katte

 J,

Day spent arranging things, took jr to pool for a while, inverter fixed, couldnt go to gym.

M has fever, might not go to office tmrw, not sure.

Checked his sep trip iternery. He leaving on 13th mor 7 30 and will be back on 19th 1PM.

Gn J,

R

Letter to BM 8/6/2024

 Hi Laddu

conversations with M and some reflections

M was saying she got UTI cause i was using my saliva during our last weekend session. 

i then said i will not touch it again then and you might get spider webs down there. 

while having dinner( Fonz made spaghetti pasta, boy is a wonderful cook) she 

was asking about my driving license conversion and i said i am working on it.

she was like when, you are just postponing things etc etc. i find it irritating 

and felt urge to give a nasty comment like mind your business or something 

then i kept quiet. it is better to keep quiet i guess rather than showing irritation. 

i mean also there is nothing to get irritated it was genuine question, may be the way 

she asked could have been nicer than an interrogation tone. 

i dont know may be with you in the airport or in the train in the morning i should have 

applied some caution. i was not thinking right or i was in confusion on what i need to do.

i may have to say sorry my entire life time for that and what i made you to go through now. 

i will get some sleep and may be wake up early in the morning to finish some work 

Hate you 

J

Letter to J

Hey J,

I read in insta 'Love is someone seeing the absolute worst side of you & still loving you", so 2 deaf ears or your past mistakes or knowing about who u r doesnt make any differnce. I hate u for who u r.

Its not draining ya I am tired..u just wished to see me in a saree in that cubord i just wore the saree which u had asked earlier the next day..i can go on re..divorce ka aise hi i was teasing u yest...but today i was feeling as u said bharya is the extended role i ve built in my mind addition to being ur friend and ring is a commitment that will around(no the ring for me was will be ur girl or what 7 promises i did).

yes i will be happy if i could spend rest of my life with u in real..but woh nahi hoga we know that..that pain agony void will always be there...

Was watching 4.2 pics yesterday...i hadnt seen them yet...mera itna drishti laga..can i ever be with u aise hi forever is wat i was thinking..

One of the promise i made is be the reason for ur happiness. I dont want even my enemy to feel the pain i m going through..it really hurts and aches..my heart pains..then how i wish that u should go through it ya feel all the pain again.

AC while scolding had asked kabhi kisine reject nahi kiya hoga tumhe ya heartbreak kya hai karke nahi pata hai..today i felt it re how the rejection would be wen u said sorry not to hurt u but i cant be with u kabhi..as u ll not be in correct state of mind after hurting people again..its true too..SO rejection, heartbreak sab feel hua..I thought this is wat D might have also felt wen i told him..cant come with u.. irony of my life is i choose family then wen guy was ready and now ready to leave everything behind but guy is not avaialble..J dont get me wrong re..just penning my thoughts...i sometimes think re..saying exactly wat i m feeling will eventually hurt u ya u might feel its bcoz of u...

Its not bcoz of u re..either my karma,have to go through it or i dont ve the ability to handle my emotions. Its not easy too right? as said no one other than u can understand..v went to eat mastani walking all the way i was just thinking about u..so icould feel i might be alive but not live the life ya enjoy that moment.. i was wishing kaash u were here or i was with u.

2 things u wanted before we go ahead with SG trip:

1. Our connections with Ms shouldnt  change

2. whatever is the situation v have to stay around.

I failed with no.1 re..i had fell for u even before coming to SG, even before seeing u in real ya touching u..but day by day the connection grew deeper for me..i never felt aise before kisi se..u might ve thought AC ke saath kiya hai tho ye bhi same hoga..no u r different for me..

ya i told many times today AC ko hug karke sab kuch batana hai wat i m going through..also missed him...not to show u i cant vent out in front of u or u not the shoulder..but i dont know y really felt talking to him and share everything.

M came from office and while having food he was saying a incident. "his peer ka last day tha 2 days back right so M had interviewed a guy from M's friends office..yest VP round was also over and he was selected. but yest night he wife and 2 year old daughter while going in bike met with an accident..wife spot dead..baby and he are critical state." M was saying kuch bhi ho sakta hai kabhi..ya i said life is uncertain.

This put me in spiral thoughts..plan was to go with annual membership for club..then 3 years membership were getting in 2 years price..while M was asking shall v buy 3 years..i was clueless re will i be here only till 3 years..like i dont know..but we were planning for next 3 years...

Also thoughts like life is so short wat is the point of living a life with a mask on it instead live how u want to..wish to..

But as u said for others happiness, for Ms, JRs, all parents, siblings and moreover for Js peace i need to maybe sacrifice on wat i wish ya want to have..Anyway i m not in peace now and will not be either if I choose u at others cost ..so better stop thinking about it as happiness of others will be saved atleast.

i m so sleepy and typing..ignore if any typo....

Life is complex..hmm

You take proper rest over weekend..take care..

i closed my eyes on sofa with this open..let  me close..

Yest u asked gift from salary, as always said from u i only wanted u always..nothing else..

sorry for saying,  purpose of earning is doing all for family and not to enjoy the world with R..i was pulling ur leg..u , ur money and u know it better...u r diff J..taking care of others...good...!! hope u ll not say kabhi u invested on me too (wat u spent on adventures) 

i know chi chi wasnt great today..sorry forruining it with my emotions...

Enjoy ur weekend! good night 

i saw ur post now about Ms' UTI..u were prepping for weekend chi chi by grooming..hmm..i know u r disappointed..may be after 3 days..

its 2 weeks since u dropped me home and went back..

work wise ur things will settle if u give a week or 2..dont take stress and Cbre/google i know ll feel weird a bit with all locals around. SG was like home for u now..

love,

R

Letters to BM 7/6/2024

 Hey R 

I wanted to be in your life to be a source of happiness and strength for you.

Never wanted to be a pain which could make you struggle .

I thought i could be your go to person whom you will reach out when you need a shoulder to rest yourself

I dont know what else to say . 

Bye 

J

Letter to BM 6/6/2024

Hey laddu 

I am not sure why you were saying about divorce and all.

Is it becoming too tough and draining for you ?

i don't know what to say other than listen to what you are saying. 

As i said i just that wish that you could stay 

i have nothing to offer other than two deaf ears to listen to you. 

saw your pic today morning as bharya and in the evening it is divorce. 

such a contrast 

you say i take you for granted but it is far from the truth 

i consider you as my own. May be sometimes i get distracted due to my circumstances

i am not sure what i am doing with this two job thing. 

and also i am interviewing for oracle 

i just want to give it a try not sure about the outcome. 

I guess i have a plan to keep both the jobs until August

After that it might get difficult i guess. i need to make a choice by then 

i am on a train going back home and thought i could use the time to write this. 

i managed to finish almost all the shorter trainings. however, the longer ones i think i can work on it tomorrow. 

Hi Laddu

i would assume that my boss wont come in tomorrow also and i might work from home. Even if he ask me i might say 

i will work from home or go to the office which i went yesterday as i find using washroom and all bit difficult. 

 

i also don't know when you say you want to be with me forever and all 

i don't know what to say re. i will let you find your peace. 

i will be always around. i dont know whether i can demand that i want you to be around too. 

cause i think it could be very selfish of me for being away and still ask for your company 

i dont know , what ever i say will make you think negative i guess

better let me keep mouth shut. 

SO yeah divorce it is then.. i may need to accept it. 

But i will keep writing , posting stories ( until you block me)  as you said like a devadas. 

i am the only Asian in the CBRE team . all are locals or you know not Asians.

At times i find myself a bit odd one out. 

Thank you for your love 

Love 

J 

letter to BM 5/6/2024

 Hey Laddu 

M never looked at me the way you look at me every time. 

She was never was crazy about me the way you are.

the affection i am experiencing from you is completely different. 

I was the one who was putting efforts with M 

i used to write paragraphs , make effort to connect and talk 

But my love it is different with you . 

you my dear is just ready to spend the whole day with me 

Me and M never talked much . it was very rare. it is usually my radio 

which i always on. i talk and talk . she rarely speaks 

but dear we are just interrupting each other to finish and tell our stories for the day 

and again i couldn't connect with M the way i connected with you as our cultures were different . 

even Chi Chi, yes it was just me asking and asking in the chats 

but you could never see M as initiative as me 

with you i dont even have to ask anything 

you are there to tease me everytime 

i still dont know much things about M, i only know things she told 

But with you we talk all kind of stuff , very deep stuff. M dont do that 

even the details about me which you know M never will know. 

the passion which i have seen in you , the joy of life i enjoy when i am with you 

i never experienced that with M , 

Update

 Going home now . Other phone is off 

M will join me on the way 

Letter to Laddu 4/6/2024

 Hey Laddu 

Yeah i had to change my tone as fonz was around and make it sound formal . sorry about that. 

I am well past my bed time now. need to sleep . i will write to you tomorrow. 

Letter to Laddu 3/6/2024

 Hi Laddu 

i managed to stay away from 3 AM to 9 PM . will go to sleep in another few Minutes. Felt good talking to you today . felt like ages. good to see your smile and seeing you in screen. you looked good in the stockings. for tomorrow , i know your stuff is still not unpacked yet. if it is done then please wear the pink top with black skirt . i still cant forget seeing you on this last time. 

other wise i am still all confused and busy with the changes. trying to get used to one thing at a time. 

you might think how i can manage this so easily or how i am not having the same agony as you. i dont know may be i dont want to think much about it. 

later half of the day was busy roaming around for stuff for house. bought carpets and other stuff. Fonz made dinner. 

Saw the stories, i also miss your warmth and hugs. i just dont want to think about it as i might loose myself. i am blocking such thoughts literally but it comes to me often. Your stories are such a relief. please keep posting something . Glad to see Jr in new school uniform . Hope she will make some new friends soon. 

as i said M might go to office but Fonz will be mostly home and he have two exams to finish. On the day when he goes for exam we may connect for VC ( i dont know , May be tomorrow also possible, depends). but i think it depends on my schedule with CBRE** in the coming days. will let you know. i am looking forward to it. until then please apply caution. the table and my monitor is visible from the door now. Need to find some way to manage it. 

I saw your login attempt was blocked and was asking for prompt to confirm at my end. you may try tomorrow and i can authenticate it. 

Will go sleep now 

Love you always 

My kanmani 

Pagal 

Ummah 

Love 

J 

Letter to Laddu 2/3/24

 Hi my laddu 

I don’t know how I can explain my behaviour for the past two days . I was myself not comfortable with this entire trip and was anxious on going back to Uk and moving and all . On top of that I found that I am not having proper connect with you . But I did what in my next conscious or what came into my mind . May be I didn’t just stop and think that I need to talk to R during the trip . I couldn’t cause I was in public and I was always rushing . 

Now you might say 15 mins here or 30 mins there . Then this put me in a further crazy state of mind . I feel sorry for not considering you in my actions . May be I was just selfish . I got angry at myself and also you that and go into justification mode . I then started saying I am with you for the past 1 hr , what you want to talk etc . 

But dear every step from airport or changing train you were asking me to stop and take time . But honestly I didn’t think that way . I wanted to go and get the moving started . That is all i thought . I was thinking in between I will talk . 

But again we were just talked about what i could have done , which again frustrated me . 

I think this incident will impact you in some way cause I was out of my mind . But it will sure impact me on how i should choose my interactions with you . 

All I can see it is just a clear case of mis communication and managing the communication. It is completely my mistake , may be I was not in the right frame of my mind .

I hope and beg that you can give me one more chance .

I would like to promise that something of this kind will never ever happen again . 

Sorry that I broke your heart with my words . I am so sorry . 

Love you my laddu 

My kanmani 

kills 

j 

Letter to J 01/06/24

 Dear J,

You asked me ' how was ur day? ' , 'r u ok?' wen u called me an hour before. Now i don't know i should lie ya tell u honestly how i felt.

No i m not ok...how day went - it went by just thinking and thinking with some pain and heaviness in heart..heart is still paining ..felt this again after long time ..now by saying all these i don't want u to think its bcoz of u.. Wanna say one last time everything before i shut myself..

But ya one thing i understood i deserve this pain and shayad aur balance hai which i might get in future... when I was shattered and almost a year jan 23 to jan 24 until u entered in my life again i was in the most painful era of my life bcoz of AC. All i was thinking is i have to go through it and its a punishment for wat i did to D maybe, breaking someone's heart... but from 4 months i was in different world and from past 2 months most happiest era of my life tha until yesterday.

Broken pieces of heart was glued by u , not only glued but all the marks were hided by wonderful painting on it with ur love. Yesterday wen u yelled at me and baar baar saying kitna pareshan karte ho yaar just reminded me a year ago June 2023 wen AC shouted at me for 1st time...he was ghosting mr ya avoiding me brfore it. so the impact was like falling from 10th floor.. but with u its like 100th floor...why?

1. Bcoz my J always condemned ACs act saying how could he do that to u ..u don't deserve it.

2. Wen i said its ok loved ones show frustration on closed ones..which  J said no its not correct as i ve experienced it before and i know how it takes 

3. I still remember the day during 4.1 wen i said thodasa very thoda sa high tone mein arey i ve ordered 2 Zomato order ya kuch...can u please watch ur tone..aise jor se baath math karo na u said..tho yesterday today urs tone is like thunder striked on me bcoz i was least expecting it especially wen u going away of my reach for few days.

U saying yesterday i was 1 hour with u today 1 hour again still u saying 15min 30 mins kya hai ye tho i felt maybe i m bothering u .. forcing u to talk..for me quality matters than quantity re..

1.wen i said dedicated 30 mins yest it was to enjoy and relive 4.0 together. If u aren't comfortable in public just say can v do later ya kuch..

2. After so many days no access to u will be hard for me right? Even sun wen M around thinking v cant talk later karke i used to just go for cycling ya walk in garden for an hour and dil bharke itna ache se v used to gossip ya pyaar se bath karte and rest of day was gone till i see u next day..

Today: yest i had asked i may not be able to talk to u ya see u for 2 days and can u go to washroom and call ( i was thinking M ll come to pick u and can come near baggage) before going..u said y washroom i can talk aram se outside and go, M not coming..so i was in the impression that u ll wait talk to me and go ... then wen u said already in train i got thousands thoughts like there won't be network properly, u ll reach soon, with people around u won't be comfartable VC...so i asked y u didn't stat..u were like wat u want to talk ..pls talk talk ..wen i say 15 mins it's just pyaar se 4 words ..were i can see u to my heart content, ya u saying ladoo.. stupid .. teasing each other that's all re..

As u put in status its big change for me too.. can't msg u, call u how much ever badly i need..so before going in that mode maybe i wanted a strong dose like a tight hug be it yest ya today.

Wen u called me now at night also like even v spoke for 4 mins u were mostly giving updates which i already saw in insta instead may be for me i missed the J who used to say ' yen madta ediya, ota ayta ' as soon as i call him ya giving me ummhaa( My 1st night after long without ur umhhaaaa.)...if u were out can turned on video for a min if possible else i thought if u wanted to see me would ve asked for a pic atleast as i didn't upload any from morning..

So all day i was thinking is as AC said am i attention seeker?

I don't need anything big things re...as u used to say choti choti cheeso mein ya in gestures i find my happiness re..so if u could say papa pms wait for another 30 mins and did chi chi with me ya spoke to me 15 mins abd then taken a train those things matters a lot for me re..ll feel u did for me willing re..

Today i felt litterly i beg and u saying kitna pareshan karti ho , how much ever u do is not enough ya y u cant do wat u want to do..ye sab se bohat boora laga re... I wasn't aware of shifting too, thought plan got changed as u ve house warming party at 2pm. 

I kept wondering y my Jbis behaving aise from morning..is it bcoz of the changes ya u want to be 100 percent with M and me being around is influencing..so i didn't put any status too re..felt let u enjoy with all..( may be i didn't wanted to show my swollen eyes and face to u shayad, anyway no one noticed i m good after..but only my pillow knows what's going on inside)..

Its not End of world..mar nahi jaunga na ..cant u wait, as said kal se heart paining a lot ...abhi nhi... sometime i feel mein hi marr jaungi.kabhi mujhe kuch hua tho humesha yaad rakhna no one would love u like me ya be ur deewana ya pagal for u ..

But these 2 days u felt shayad my love was overbearing and too much for u ya doing something saying no to me is a burden which came out yest ya today conversation...

Congratulations to u both on ur new house. 

I called pimplico, he said acct team confirmed money deducted twice mostly ll be refunded by tmrw..

Wen u put ikea status saying u out without M i thought u giving some signal for me to message ya call ..so i messaged saying ik deployment which is ongoing...

V r sleeping on floor 1st time in this house..will shift tmrw..went out for dinner to celebrate p bday .. tenants just shifted their stuffs and they ll come tmrw..

I m really sorry J for everything 🙏

Good night J 

With lot's of hate

R

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