Letter to BM 1/8/23

 Hi laddu 

Thank you for your patience . I am looking forward to the day I am gonna meet you again . There are many things I want to tell but let me focus on one thing . 

I dont know whether to feel happy or concerned about all the effort you putting you in . Those efforts at some point ( it seems) making you think , what is the whole point of all this effort if I cannot win the trophy . That thought putting you in loop and daily you or me getting into some kind of arguements. I have no suggestions towards as I know I am the reason for your state . 

Thanks you again , love 

J

Waiting for J's letter- since 15 days

 J,

I miss ur letters re..its been 15 days u said its time to go and no letter after that.

I know u r busy with work..but i keep checking blog daily once i wake up.

U used to say..u will keep writing and posting stories if i go no matter what ..i see or not..

hmm...i really wish u would persuade me again(was happy wen u said that)

i m sorry for whatever i told u today about past especially.. J, i m not diff re to love without expectation..i m human . I am in terrible pain..i m giving u also the pain.

i am ready to go through all the hustles to spend some time(i know its in hours) with u re. 

As said i will ask u daily 'will u take me home?' , our home-chinna ellu...

Not sure the day will come before i day.

hope you will write to me soon..

Waiting

R

Helpless Bharya 24 july 24

Dear J,

I never felt itna helpless like today with regards to u...u r sick and apart from hearing i can't do anything...i can't take care of u...cook good food for u...

I can understand with the tone of ur voice itself how much u r in pain. I just hope it's nothing severe and u should be ok by tmrw...

Yes answer is NEver... enough is enough nahi lagega mujhe till i m alive .i don't want to...the day i quit ya lose should be my last day on earth.

I m trying to call u to check..looks like 1 number is not reachable backup u r not receiving.. yes i m kinda worried.. except waiting for u to come back i cant do anything..

Ur helpless 

Bharya ❤️ 

My Man

20/7/2024

 Dear Bhartha,

1st of all thank you for coming all the way to see me with a love letter in hand.

Jaanu u were not acting weird, u were showing ur version of affection by taking care.. holding umbrella, helping while getting down and all.. ofcourse i like it but y i was feeling awkward bcoz u r MY MAN mere kandhe(shoulder) se khandhe milake chalna chahiye..not peeche ya something..its my respect to my bharta..i don't like u doing my seva...

Yesterday still feels like a dream...the weather, u, breeze and the location..i was just wishing y cant i hold my jaanu in my arms and lap all my life.. stupid u asked me daily kesari chayiye if u with me..sirf kesari kyun re...all u wish mein banake dungi... ur fav dish R also will be served daily..

Wen i saw u in airport my heart beat raises just like in SG, i couldn't express bcoz wat i said(v ll part ways)..the joy i saw in pune airport was missing as u were sad but got to witness it wen u saw range rover...i can do anything re to witness that joy in ur eyes...my jaanu .u ve no Idea wat u mean to me .wat u see through my actions is just 30.. percent i guess due to my limitations...else R real taj mahal hi khada karegi for u...yes as i regretted i couldn't kiss u properly yest...can sacrifice my fav food but not the way v make love to each other..but with my teeth i felt yest i wasn't upto the mark..

Y u keep saying u don't deserve itna love and all or u did something good last janam..pagal u did and doing good iss janam by helping..u did only 1 big mistake in life sirf woh pakadke u cant loose a part of u re...

I AM SORRY for the way i behaved from 1 week.

J, wen i made promises in may as bharya after wearing ring i meant it. Mere jaan bhi kurban re for ur happiness and peace...tho how ll i go away from u bolo...

I will always be ur backbone in ur every mission.

To be continued...by eyes closing off.. its risk to continue 

Bye gn for now 

21/7/2024- 7 am having chai in Irani cafe and writing..

J, weather is sooo good and romantic..my mood..be in ur arms cuddle a lot in blanket and mast chi chi, nap..

Followed by chai made by ur bharya..

22/7/2024- 6 30 pm

You called me in irani cafe and i couldn't continue.

J, i know 1 week se i was saying i will go away or stop talking, disconnecting..all these maybe to know mere naa rehne se tumhe kuch farak padega ya nahi ya will u choose me even i beg so much or do anything to keep me in ur life ..i tried a lot re ..bola no chi chi with M, 6 months salary or 1 year in SG, resign cbre and all..i was getting hurt and hurting u as well..then i quit re..i felt shayad tum mujhe jaane dege i lost karke..

But in parallel world there was ur bharya who was praying- u keep ur job so ur purpose will be solved..who was drinking pineapple juice daily, counting days to be in ur proximity, hug u tightly, planning 4.3 trip, booking Vivanta..

How u thought i ll go away from u..it would happen only wen i die..i never removed the ring.. sorry for all the pain i caused..not intentionally but was seeking validation may be..or felt u took me for granted.

J, none other than me can understand u ur situation better re..i would never wish u go through the pain again and loose a part of u re..but as a bharya i yearn to be with u re.. doesn't feel like sharing u re..i know wat u r doing for me..ur efforts.. don't think i m not seeing wat u doing for me and its only wat u couldn't do .

All one week i was feeling..my jaanu doesn't need anything except thoda sa pyaar..

Yesterday during cycling u were saying about plan and helping all..wat i felt later is u might not keep anything for u..even to start business or whatever u want to buy..be it a good hearing aid.

So i told i want 1k pound just to keep it aside for u.. mera koi plan nahi hai re..R ko kuch nhi chayiye..r just needs u and humhara adventures nd apna chota sa ghar..i thought that 4L and 1L every month i can keep for our adventures or buy u something which u want but never bought like bullet, hearing aid and mainly the memories together as all 18 years u just struggled to repay loan and never did anything for urself..so R wants all best things in the Worlds should happen with J and strength to me to be ur pillar and make it happen.Jo bhi hai humhara re always kabhi tumhara and mera nahi hoga between us..and i wasn't making any backup plan re..i have a job even if M throw me out i think i should be able to manage.

When i say talk about ur land to papa , i think its ur hatd earned money..40L is big amount..u can use it to help anyone for 10 months with 1k pound each and stop working extra those 10 months..so why to leave it as it is ..

U said God didn't give u purpose..kids blah blah.He sent me to take care of u nd u should take care of me(us) too..so ur new purpose is R, our adventures and manifesting a life together after few years 

I want to be ur support system in whatever u want to do.. nothing more than ur happiness , peace matters to me dear. 

Life is really beautiful with u jaanu...

Waiting for our wish to fulfill 

Will keep waiting - ur bharya

I love you 😘

Dil se SORRY for the pain i gave u🙏

Its time to go BM

 I dont know whether i will write another letter to you

I don’t bring any joy to anyone in this world , where ever I am it is just pain and suffering 

I am not keeping you happy or not choosing you re . I am not choosing you this life , not a priority , but l guess I can show that I don’t choose this life also  re . I don’t know how else I can prove myself . 

I am not bringing any joy to you with my life atleast my death should prove you something re . I hope 

I asked John , how much money he need to feel bit comfortable. He said like 50 lakhs . Hmm , may be I can give my savings to him . I don’t know my brother can have my land . I don’t know what you can have . Maybe share my pf with M  

M’s mom spilled something in the kitchen carpet and m called me and was shouting at me re . She called me clumsy and why can’t I do anything proper . But I didn’t do any spills . I don’t know re , everyone will be happy if I am gone . 

Don’t want to create any trouble to any one any more . 

Will choose something once I get home . There are lot of options , sea or river or a railway track . Everything is near by . It will be easy to manage my cremation and all if the body is found . I can leave a letter for closure say and how to manage the money and all . 

I think I had a good run with this life re . Time has come to end it . I was always depressed and thought of dying from young age . But my family kept me going . I think have done enough and did enough mistakes too . Hurt enough people . 

Don’t want to hurt anyone anymore . It’s time to go . Let me love everyone a bit more with what I have for left in my life in the next few weeks . Say indirect good byes to all .

Let me prepare for the final journey . 

R, thanks for everything re . I never managed to give respect what you deserve . Even more than anybody I hurt you the most and you never think that anything wrong with you . You are the best 

It is just that I couldn’t re . I can’t be with you however I wish . But as a spirit (if there is one ) I will be always with you . Will look after you . It’s a promise . 

Adieus R , it was a pleasure to know you 

J

Letter to BM 12/8/24

 

Hi R 

I am getting a feeling that even if I learn to treat you well and make you feel comfortable eventually you will continue get into conclusions based on my mere words and get into a state of agony 

You want truth with no filter but don’t have the heart to take it . Whenever I speak my mind I Need to spend hours to defend my mere words . 

Regards

J

Letter to BM 11/7/24

 Hey laddu

I just saw a insta message and it made me realise where I am going wrong 

“It is not what you do for them that matters but how you make them feel is important”. 

It makes sense , for example I guess you will be more happy even if buy you small house but if I don’t come live with you in doesn’t make any sense 

Similarly even if I spend money to come see you now and then but on a daily basis I am not expressing my love for you then it doesn’ t make sense 

In my rather than expressing I should be careful not to hurt you , be honest as in no filters but it contradicts in a way . 

I feel afraid to tell whether what if I say what I truely feel and you will feel hurt . 

but anyways let me try to make my laddu feel special everyday 

Let me tell my kanmani how precious she is 

Love you kanmani 

J

Letter to BM 10/7/24

 

Hey R 

You are still wondering why I don’t feel like seeing you often. Why I am not asking for it . 

You distract me 

I know if I look at you I won’t stop talking 

So I don’t want to look at you if I am on to something 

I am scared 

When M is around I am afraid even when she is around I am afraid 

Sometimes I just enjoy the conversation 

I kinda forget that I want to see you 

I know I should yearn to see you in a Live video than a pic . 

I am quite sleepy and hungry too . I will eat something when I get back 

Love j

Letter to BM 9/7/2024

 Hi laddu

Thanks for bouncing back my love . Hope you can sustain this cheerful side of yours. 

I know i need to at least do the bare minimum to maintain you this way . 

I learned that instead of asking you to manage it yourself may be I should find some time to tell you and ask you what you feeling . Answer your questions. Make you understand what I am also going through . 

Hope I can get out of my dumb ways and get smarter . Learn to love a wonderful women like you . Take care of my laddu 

Love j

Letter to BM 8/7/24

 My part 

Why I could call you on the weekend I went to Manchester and not this weekend ? 

Cause I called you from the train toilets . This time around uncle came with me to even washroom together . I don’t wanted to take any risk. 

Why I am appearing insensitive to you ? 

Cause I did explained my part and you still assuming. Making comments that I don’t care . 

R I don’t know you remember the two things I asked you before sg trip . 1. Nothing changes between our Ms 2. Nothing happens to our connection 

I am still staying at this point , means nothing don’t want anything to change between Ms or to us . But you went ahead and experiencing deeper connections with me , comparing my journey with M , saying you don’t have special connection that too in span of weeks . 

I have nothing to do with these experiences as I have maintained the same vibe and connection with you . So I let you experience what you want to experience. It is your call . If you are making assumptions ( about connection level etc) I can stay by the side and listen to you only 

Are you a blocker for me to make chi chi with M ? 

No , absolutely not . You occupy my mind when I am with m . She  do not enjoy Chi Chi . So I don’t push it . Is she wants she will pull me anyway. 

Why I am asking you to enjoy the present and leave what happened ? 

We have very limited time for each other . May be you are available but I am not . To be honest you need some one 24X7 available. But will you be able to have some one like that .. I don’t know . I had the capacity when I was in sg . Not now . Again with AC you had similar issues . AC left you and now you want to leave me . You are not learning from your experiences 

Why I don’t have time for you ? 

I literally didn’t had today . Can I do this work some other day ? No not possible. 

Why I don’t want to see you ? 

I could survive without seeing you for a day or 2. But I do check your insta or pics in drive . I survive . I don’t want to make it a priority. May be I know you will send me a selfie or something in story . These days I am not bothered about it . I can wait for right occasion 

I don’t know R , may be I don’t know how to love or my way to express love is not matching with yours 

All I am asking is can we just take it on a day by day basis . Whatever time we get can we just celebrate each other in possible ways 

Nyt nyt R 

Love 

J

Letter to some one 6/7/24

 My offering 

There is a story in bible . It is called the old widow’s offering and it goes like this.. 

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

 

You may think I am taking non sense.

 But I am like that widow my dear, I am trying to offer what I have for you from my current circumstances, I don’t want to hurt anyone . I am done doing that . 

What I offer may not be enough or even will satisfy you hunger for love but I am giving what I can ..

To answer your question to love you and put you as first , I am not worthy to be your true love .. I am not that person I guess 

All I have is unavailability, no updates and no communication. Other priorities. 

But I am trying dear again , everyday …. but it is just that I make all wrong moves and hurting you again 

May be you should ghost me … atleast you will be in peace .. cause I am not going anywhere .. 

I said some one cause day after day that is what I am becoming I guess 

I don’t know what to say 

J

Letter to J-4th July 2024

 

I had drafted my thoughts and hadn’t posted yesterday thinking u might want to say something and my letter shouldnt influence u or ur letter shouldnt be a answer to my letter karke..

Dear J,

About yesterday situation..i was eager to give u mugshot (which I miss these days as mor I ll not turn on camera and 2 days I was in office.) so I was waiting to show u myself in that dress from tue night..so wen I called u and as u didn’t hear  u disconnected suddenly tho felt bad at that moment..agree I could ve told u in audio call to turn on video but at that moment I felt u could ve stayed

On wed I knew we will not be able to talk properly for next 4 days..so maybe about change in plan we could ve discussed wen we had time to talk a bit..

For myself I had assumed that u staying back in HSBC is for me(there could be real reason, BFSI domain, PR, role)..

Let me tell u why I felt emotional wen u said if hsbc doesn’t look for me then I don’t even have to go to SG..

Bcoz same J told me these before which always made me think can I be special to some(I was never to kabhi kisiko) who takes major decisions for me and apparently it changed.

* Wen u got Cbre offer u asked me, R u say once don’t go I will just stay here, I said no u go and experience ur family life(but I felt really gratitude u considering me, but now I feel if I had said yes stay would u ve really stayed?maybe not)..

*u were just hoping that Cbre will not send offer so u can come back to SG july

*Said u don’t want to follow up but u did follow up and ask them for joining date.

*2 weeks ago wen I said I just pray “let J’s wished be fulfilled” then u say my wish is cbre doesn’t agree for my travel and contract ends so I can travel to SG

*Ya wen M found u talking to me u said its ok, bcoz of this I might ve to go to SG permanently and its fine

Kept wondering saying must be easy and all while I was thinking u somewhere considering me in decisions.

Then yest u said u want to continue more and me not in any decision. Also said u will be going to SG, not pune right which will make me happy..J having access to u or talk to u u being reachable would be my biggest happiness so even SG there was freedom so I just asked.

Now u might say greedy of salary, if both then y not.. I felt u said u ll keep 4L for me, but I don’t want anything except u..ur presence and company ..so I might say we can use it wen u want to see me.

Then maybe in long run u r planning..I know J u r taking care of our adventures mostly so I will always have that feeling financially I will be obliged to u..bhartha par hakh jatane ka mann karta hai on our adventures he can spend as except that I don’t need anything…but I cant..will always feel u doing a favor…

Mumbai was something happened suddenly I know..Tuesday whole day I made a plan and was dreaming about it..so yest wen u said suddenly plan might change I felt disappointed..I understand due to situation v need to be flexible..and I can wait for u ..but we could have discussed it sahi se wen we have time..instaed of saying these are the plans u made or u thought of u could ve asked me can we do this way(instead of July to aug I will stay from aug to sep in SG) or this..wats ur opinion, I would definitely support u.

You were saying y I have to make efforts to anticipate something thinking I will be hurt, or emotionally triggered..J I told u..if I could love this deep it will definitely have other side of me as well, over thinker, emotional sensitive..i know I m overwhelming u with all my qualities…Hating u to the core is my mistake so I need to go through it alone…Every sec of my heartbeat remembers u..

J, u might feel M support u with decisions its bcoz she knows she have u re..legally with all rights..just like I wont think about Jr,M as I know they are always available.

 I don’t have a lifetime with u re..just few days of my life to show my love, cuddle with u tho I become selfish at times and wish for our adventures even if 1 day I don’t want to lose that opportunity..I don’t want to be in demanding mode re kabhi or u then trying to do something bcoz u ll feel u not doing enough..Whatever u want to do I always told should be ur wish not a burden or obliged to..

Today Jr bday, ya I m not happy whole day due to wat happened in morning..i didn’t even pray to God, u were in my all thoughts..I have everyone around me but still I will be looking for u..i don’t know about u..i know I m not the priority..i am one among them…i should learn to be satisfied with it..

J, wat I had for u, felt for u,  u said u filt for M..that deep love..i can only wish someday someone will be crazy for me and can to anything and everything without 2^nd thought..i know its bit selfish to wish for but don’t I deserve to experience that once in my life?

U said want to make a move, go inside ya have chi chi but my thoughts come in between..as I ask about it, me not having with M..so I decided not to ask tell these 2 things so atleast 1 blocker will be removed for u and let u enjoy the moments.

2^nd point that was pending from 2 weeks..Talking about watching M’s pic or reason I asked video/live(taking all the liberty I have to tell u about a person who means a lot to u, pardon me if I am saying something wrong..no intension to hurt u..just my thoughts..:

U had shared a picture in John’s car while shifting while M was sitting in backseat..1^st time I felt seeing her she is domineering wife..i know u told many times its her rules always..

See wen u look at most of the people they appear pleasant or some vibes be it dh,P for ex maybe the smile they carry..and very few people wen u look at them u wont feel that good vibes(appear controlling, criticizing people or they not happy with others ) I don’t know how to say that..Nadashree is also that kind at times..not always..

I felt that with M..i was thinking maybe I am wrong..thought I should see her once closely live then can read her face maybe..so I asked fb login to see her..

Now why I am interested in her..bcoz she is ur partner with whom u will be spending the whole life..i meant u r directly in the journey with her..having some connection with u I felt I m linked through ur happiness with her..

I went through each and every pic..i was looking whether she will smile kya kabhi…how she might look…all I observed is I couldn’t find that joy, love in her eyes while she was with u or while sharing pics to u(again its wat I felt)..yes there was glow in ur ice..u were happy..But she was always full of smile wen she was with her folks friends family..also she looked happy..so its my obersvation I could be wrong.

Then wed I told u feel like spanking u for the decision u made..my perspective..i didn’t find M that attractive (in ur eyes u might have seen something else, I was checking each and every feature of her and body) so that u had to come out of the marriage and start another marital life(could ve been a fling)..i just felt if  ever u had to do that u deserved someone better both physically(appearance) and emotionally connected(who would treat u in diff way)..i meant it wasn’t worth a divorce . I just felt twice u just made some sudden big decision thinking u are not capable or deserve someone much better..i know we are all not perfect and have some flaws..but it’s the journey we wish to be together..

Reply to ur comment in previous post.

Patterns 3: I didn’t say bye ache se while disconnecting the call..wat all I meant is we may not be able to talk again rest of the day or even sat sun..so I just meant a call before u sign off from hsbc so with that I can survive for next 3 days..ok..if u were hoping to talk to me soon fine..but I wasn’t hoping u will get a chance to call me as M will be around. Even u told me while leaving office tue..ache se bye bolke apna face dikake jaao, we might be able to see talk only tmrw or even yest wen I had to join daily call, I immediately disconnected saying bye which u didn’t hear , u said bye bolke jaa sakti hon a instead of disconnecting..i knew I will just tell Narayan in another call and call u again and have chance to talk to u..but today it was diff I wasn’t knowing will get a chance to talk..so told...i just felt the same that’s all.

Or connection with me will be affected by ur surroundings,work stress ya people around u? I will never let that happen re..even M, jr, parents couldnt make out wats happening inside me even i am terribly broken...unko hi pata nahi chalne diya u tho i love u more than anyone..how can i show my other impacts on u..

 

 

 

 

Letter to J --5th July 2024

 J, you have no idea what i am going through right now..Really feels like my head will blast...

Not able to focus on work people or anything...just lying and crying on bed from hours alone..You may say why..? i know ur mood isnt ok bcoz of M(watever u told in 15 mins) call..but wat is my fault in it..

i knew we might not be able to speak rest of the day so i dropped other call and joined to talk to u..u told u were upset, tongue is hurting..as u were dull i asked r u angry on me too..u said nothing to do with u fatak se video off kiya and went. 

Then 3 hours i kept wondering what happened to u...Were u ok...may be ur situation wasnt good there today..u were trying to manage something but kuch tho bolke jaa sakte ho na before going in teams..ya can take official bahana and tell u will be away for these hours or something...if i hadnt sent waspp message i wouldnt have even known wat happened to u..u said bye so i will understand M will be with u..But J u didnt feel like communicating through any medium to me...u knew right even i am not ok..

Ya i know u will say i need to manage my emotions doesnt have to be triggered or u said ya from 1 week u r not ok and laughed..i have know one in this world to share what i am going through..not even u...i m so poor na wen it comes to people..not even 1..

Do i deserve all these or God i decided bcoz of my past karma i ve to go through the pain..from 1.5 years i am not ok..but last year it was atleast fine..but now i feel i cant even survive after having bonding with u..

The pain is unbearable. If it continues i will definitely gonna have mental disorder..i m not as strong as u emotionally...u can stay without seeing me for days..but for me i wake up in the morning just to see u and wait for the call...

Like a mad every 5 mins i am checking insta and waspp for any update..

Yest also u said hi and i went out to bring jr friend immediately thinking u will call me..every 10 mins i was stopping scooty in road and checking was there any msg from u asking can i call karke as i had told u not to call directly and i shouldnt miss ur call in that 40 mins window karke..

Dont know J am i expecting too much or just a communication and proper paryting good bye wen u ll be gone for hours...

Letter to BM 4/7/24

 

Hi laddu

Patterns 

Just my thoughts on what I observed and I believe this will help me to better manage conversations with you 

1. I understand that when I talk about items which could be about deviation from an already agreed arrangement I must deliver with proper narrative on what is the change. Even I do that , do expect a certain  from your end to which I need to give time for you to come out of it . Hence use calls where I have time to communicate such change in plans 
2. If there is a disagreement ( expectation alignment  such a why audio call and no video call )on an item ,how silly it could be , there is a possibility of alignment questions from both our sides . This alignment question will or may take the form of an argument and might stretch for minutes often me being ended up sounding frustrated . Instead of spending time on taking or communicating what need to be shared the conversation will continue on a different direction and might end up in a loop. Hence the action shall be to early identify such a loop scenario and tell upfront why I am doing something certain way . 

Love 

J

Ok this I kind of a playbook I am developing and may be useful in ideal situations but not always .