Before I go--One last time to my "Jaanu- my everything"

03 00 AM:

Guess whole night i will not sleep i guess. I am not getting sleep..past 2 days i am just crying inside and at times outside. Now you will say i need to manage my emotions. Maybe i am anxious attachment girl J, just like over loving, caring a over thinking too..

Let me write something today..A story of Fisherman guy...whom I admire... whom i am proud of. 

A boy came to this world on 15th Nov in a coastal village of Kerala....Yes i wasnt born then..he has seen this world 5 years more than me..and experienced things more than me. He grew up in a village and it was world to him..Parallely after 5 years R came to this world in a coastal village of Karnataka. R grew up without knowing she would meet J one day and after that her life will turn 360 degree. 

J's papa had debt and someone helped J for his fees. J grew up knowing he can never become a father but he never gave up bcoz of his shortcomings only thing he felt i cant be a good partner to anyone whom he loves bcoz he cant give a child. He graduated and got Job in Mysore. His 1st love is his college crush who still doesnt know J loved her. Then came Radika in Mysore..youngster love ..1st kiss..mysore a place and period which are best days of J's life. 

He had to pick family responsibility and had to travel to Dubai against his wish. I am proud of a guy who was sharing a hall and sleeping on floor in dubai to a transition where he can book world top class hotels without thinking much and enjoy its bed . 15 years of hard work and struggle are paying off now..

15 years many ups and downs, twist and turns in J's professional and personal life.

J was about to settle in life. Then came R a girl for whom J is her whole world..If u ask any new mothers whose kids are small they will say their kids are everything for them..not spouse or parents.

But this pagal R(J's pagal) is so crazy for him only he knows. She will say J is THE MOST IMPORTANT person in her life..if all her loved ones be it her child too is sliiping in a mountain ,she will give hand to J without 2nd thought. She placed him above all, her fav godess Durga devi too..broke her ritual of years.

But y she acts so one might think. She dont have answer..R had heard ,read people fall in love madly,deeply but she could experience it in real.

Unfortunately she and J are taken. Wish she had met J 15 years back in his college or Mysore.

R asked J's M she would have just stayed with him even though he was with P, why asked to leave.

M said she didnt love him enough to just live a life for him.

R thought she loves J so much even can give her life then why cant she just stay with him, he being with his M. Yes i can, atleast i should ve been single/divorcee like his M. If i was then i would ve just flown to SG to see him every now and then.

Being married and a mother if i could these many then J just imagine if I was in ur M's place where no one would ask or stop me what all i would ve done. 

I cannot be without u J and now my body isnt co-operating. I would have stayed if u would say R i am there we can pull through it together(i believe u know how it feels like), else when i ask y u going early or for cant u reduce a week then instaed of shouting u could ve xplained me the real situation.

I know u will say how many times same topic and u r tired now in these 4 months and it will be the same..i breakdown J and in this whole world i dont have a single creature to share my pain wat i am going through ya feeling.. i always thought if I have J i dont need anyone else..My mirror..my shadow..

J dh has u,jh to atleast tell how she is feeling, even u have her wen u feel like telling somethiing or talking to.. R has no one ..so maybe i loosing all i got..the energy..Jr pushed me to stay alive but i m not able to handle myself..Not fair being a mom like this..will be a pain for her too. With M u know how it is..0 emotional and Physical. He also stopped now completely seeing me avoiding, ignoring him.

So i am feeling suffocating living.. Body signs like stomach pain, nausea, headache, heartache other side.

This time why i have to give up is u r really tired with me..My love passion u feel like temperory but uska side effects(my emotional ) is too much for you. I dont want to make u feel u r weak J. Only thing i felt bad is while coming from UK u had told i can understand how it feels and atleast virtually i will try to be with u in SG. 

J, if i was in ur place HSBC enagement being only till june 2025..7..8 months left i would have told they deployed me to india and would have just stayed here this period and dont know what next.

You say u will come for a month next year..but i may ask why not use 6 months..even for 1 or 2 days i need to request u to extend. then you will say i want to do just as i want..wats wrong in it..what excuse u need to give else how manage work.. 

i understand J ur concern..then u feel bad for not doing enough for M or acting,lying..

I feel maybe for u i m not worth doing all these..

If u were in HYD i would ve left Jr behind and came to u for 6 months..sadly u r in diff country.

U told for ur peace u choose what u r doing.. but J can I ask if u were in similar boat earlier and experienced where u were clingy to M and she told u need to manage ur emotions..u didnt see it coming for me? How can i become numb and still love u enough how u want.. The bharya u see will be like a just another person if i become so..

Despite all these u could still have M now..her chest to lye down, her to do chi chi, to hold hand or to hug. You know how much i yearn affection and despo for chi chi. Shayad for loving u i have to lead my whole life as single/divorcee or widow..with M its done. 

Its ok J, u didnt make any commitment to me..But i m committed to u as  bharya..so i cant allow anyone else to touch me except u..maybe u ll say pagal..but let it be..will love to die as ur Bharya this life.

You told anxious R is pain and burden for u now(same J who had told i cant only expect ur love/positive side, u are whole package..even wen u r down i need toaccept and manage u)..u gave up on me now that's where i also lost all strength J.  SO let me just be myself and try to handle this situation of mine..i will try J, if i cant then u think i quit this life..let Jr know her amma tried a lot for her sake but she couldnt.

Everthing is a choice ..i choose u this life completely.. i wish and will ask God a whole life with u atleast one..to give and experince the love in raw form. i wanna give u more love..shower with my affection and make u tired with my passion on bed.

I wish u get all the peace and good health u r looking for.

Thinking about our small house the wayi designed...or imagining staying in a island just farming ..or imagining u coming and taking me on 40th bday sab acha lagta hai..no one can spil the imagination atleast..

Done know where i will head to...repeat ur lipid profile after 3 months..do stress test..consult doctor..R wont be there to push u..hate u idiot for coming in my life and giving up on me so easily.

If u could sleep yesterday not even knowing how i might be doing then u can sleep further too...I would ve been restless if i was in ur place until i know how u were doing. 

Say amma ur bharya wished to come home wearing that Onam saree and take her blessing but couldnt. 

--ur bharya forever..