Longest ever disconnection

 Dear J,

You might have seen my passion and love for you in my eyes while u r with me or when u r on top of me and u ask "kyun dete ho mujhe aise". As i always say bcoz I love you to my core.

In yesterday's insta story u wrote set the expectations initially in the relationship , look for someone else, talk to AC.

J, i loved u and everything evolved organically, my feelings too.

It is not a partnership where for my selfishness to get something materialistic i got along with u to set the expectations in the beginning.

Why it hurts me...When u love someone u think they are yours..i crave yearn to be with u.

But in reality, u cant be, then virtually is what i was having you..but now virtually also i cant.

You asked me for your peace while there dont message or call you.

They say when u love someone their happiness is important than your feelings.

But i am human too..as u said a girl who burn in passion of love..i burnt myself ..my feelings inside so you shouldnt be tensed there..

To stay disconnected with you is like a punishment and pain for me.All i think and regret is if i hadnt blocked u in Oct things would have been different.

Now u know ur life goes on without me..came out of trance ..but i am still there..

Its been 10 days we spoke or chat now, did u even ask me once

How are you?

Whats happening with me.?

Did my back pain reduce?Did i see Hosheem, what happened there

Or how things at home or anything?

I just felt u r know more curious or even concerned about me.

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How my whole day goes even while i am here..

what is J doing, how is he, hows his day going on, wat he ate

How he must be managing work..Did he exsercise.

U had told me ask in insta i will reply..my questions go ignored.

Even in teams i tried to ask u many times..how are u..hows ur day..u didnt respond.

I am not asking you to take any big risk. Just if u can leave a note in teams 8..9 line how was ur previous day..in the morning maybe..

It means a lot to me re..withnessing ur life virtually through words atleast if not VC, chat ,phone calls.

Dont i deserve this much in our relationship?

Even when Dubai thing happened u were able to talk to ur loved once atleast once a day..This punishment for me maybe my past karma..

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I wish atleast we could ve thought someway to chat to each other during this period.

Maybe in ur or mine wapp messaging to oneself..i dont know J..i miss u

ALl i do is keep refreshing insta every 10 mins for ur story. mostly there wont be anything for hours...

You say think about ur happiness first..if so i wanted to chat u so many times but i refrained thinking ur happiness ..peace. But in this journey i got agony staying disconnected with u..

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I just feel u r no more curious about me ..hence i wont overwhelm with my updates.

Also same time feel i am digging yours ..

Ladoo is not able to just live the moment..all asking me whats wrong..Somehow pushing days pretending with a fake smile.

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You said maybe u cant love me the way i want..All i want is to be seen, heard and felt that's all..No big demands..

Else i should lean to love u the way u want..just be there and tick the box on what u want rather than coloring it with my passion..but i will be dead re without passion for u.

U said u love the way i enjoy small things even eating a pani puri was big thing for me.But that R is dead now i feel since oct. Becoming numb is not a good thing..its like just living and surviving. 

A part of me is dead and i dont know whether jovial/fun R will be ever back.

With u i craved all intimacies...enjoying the world including everything..it included emotional intimacy too.. share talk anything and everything and i wished both would be curious too to know about each other...

---

R

 

RJ these days-- Nov 12th, 13th

 12th nov

Hey Jaanu...

i dont know, i choose our blog to share my emotions, thoughts going on ..i wished i had you instead to tell everything and not this white paper.

Who are RJ these days? friends?Lovers?Partners?Friends with benefits?i dont know...

But what i can say is i miss my J..i miss RJ...zoom calls, mugshot, masti, gossips..WC..pyaar, affection although virtually it was vibing.

Now to ask a call, VC i appear to be a burden for you. Yesterday asked for free show but i didnt enjoy it. Your face said i am forcing you for VCs. 

My punishment is this pain..even virtually i cant have you though i yearn for you.. i miss seeing u, 3 roses, sharing things with u..bcoz i dont feel connected like before. i need to think 100 times to express now. Scared about ur reaction. So strange we are not complete strangers either. 

13th Nov

there is a fear,hesitaion now..

i typed "can i join u for bf, dialed and disconnected..

Posted my bf pic and then felt u even wont be interested, y i need to bombard with things.

I miss our old days..

Before I go--One last time to my "Jaanu- my everything"

03 00 AM:

Guess whole night i will not sleep i guess. I am not getting sleep..past 2 days i am just crying inside and at times outside. Now you will say i need to manage my emotions. Maybe i am anxious attachment girl J, just like over loving, caring a over thinking too..

Let me write something today..A story of Fisherman guy...whom I admire... whom i am proud of. 

A boy came to this world on 15th Nov in a coastal village of Kerala....Yes i wasnt born then..he has seen this world 5 years more than me..and experienced things more than me. He grew up in a village and it was world to him..Parallely after 5 years R came to this world in a coastal village of Karnataka. R grew up without knowing she would meet J one day and after that her life will turn 360 degree. 

J's papa had debt and someone helped J for his fees. J grew up knowing he can never become a father but he never gave up bcoz of his shortcomings only thing he felt i cant be a good partner to anyone whom he loves bcoz he cant give a child. He graduated and got Job in Mysore. His 1st love is his college crush who still doesnt know J loved her. Then came Radika in Mysore..youngster love ..1st kiss..mysore a place and period which are best days of J's life. 

He had to pick family responsibility and had to travel to Dubai against his wish. I am proud of a guy who was sharing a hall and sleeping on floor in dubai to a transition where he can book world top class hotels without thinking much and enjoy its bed . 15 years of hard work and struggle are paying off now..

15 years many ups and downs, twist and turns in J's professional and personal life.

J was about to settle in life. Then came R a girl for whom J is her whole world..If u ask any new mothers whose kids are small they will say their kids are everything for them..not spouse or parents.

But this pagal R(J's pagal) is so crazy for him only he knows. She will say J is THE MOST IMPORTANT person in her life..if all her loved ones be it her child too is sliiping in a mountain ,she will give hand to J without 2nd thought. She placed him above all, her fav godess Durga devi too..broke her ritual of years.

But y she acts so one might think. She dont have answer..R had heard ,read people fall in love madly,deeply but she could experience it in real.

Unfortunately she and J are taken. Wish she had met J 15 years back in his college or Mysore.

R asked J's M she would have just stayed with him even though he was with P, why asked to leave.

M said she didnt love him enough to just live a life for him.

R thought she loves J so much even can give her life then why cant she just stay with him, he being with his M. Yes i can, atleast i should ve been single/divorcee like his M. If i was then i would ve just flown to SG to see him every now and then.

Being married and a mother if i could these many then J just imagine if I was in ur M's place where no one would ask or stop me what all i would ve done. 

I cannot be without u J and now my body isnt co-operating. I would have stayed if u would say R i am there we can pull through it together(i believe u know how it feels like), else when i ask y u going early or for cant u reduce a week then instaed of shouting u could ve xplained me the real situation.

I know u will say how many times same topic and u r tired now in these 4 months and it will be the same..i breakdown J and in this whole world i dont have a single creature to share my pain wat i am going through ya feeling.. i always thought if I have J i dont need anyone else..My mirror..my shadow..

J dh has u,jh to atleast tell how she is feeling, even u have her wen u feel like telling somethiing or talking to.. R has no one ..so maybe i loosing all i got..the energy..Jr pushed me to stay alive but i m not able to handle myself..Not fair being a mom like this..will be a pain for her too. With M u know how it is..0 emotional and Physical. He also stopped now completely seeing me avoiding, ignoring him.

So i am feeling suffocating living.. Body signs like stomach pain, nausea, headache, heartache other side.

This time why i have to give up is u r really tired with me..My love passion u feel like temperory but uska side effects(my emotional ) is too much for you. I dont want to make u feel u r weak J. Only thing i felt bad is while coming from UK u had told i can understand how it feels and atleast virtually i will try to be with u in SG. 

J, if i was in ur place HSBC enagement being only till june 2025..7..8 months left i would have told they deployed me to india and would have just stayed here this period and dont know what next.

You say u will come for a month next year..but i may ask why not use 6 months..even for 1 or 2 days i need to request u to extend. then you will say i want to do just as i want..wats wrong in it..what excuse u need to give else how manage work.. 

i understand J ur concern..then u feel bad for not doing enough for M or acting,lying..

I feel maybe for u i m not worth doing all these..

If u were in HYD i would ve left Jr behind and came to u for 6 months..sadly u r in diff country.

U told for ur peace u choose what u r doing.. but J can I ask if u were in similar boat earlier and experienced where u were clingy to M and she told u need to manage ur emotions..u didnt see it coming for me? How can i become numb and still love u enough how u want.. The bharya u see will be like a just another person if i become so..

Despite all these u could still have M now..her chest to lye down, her to do chi chi, to hold hand or to hug. You know how much i yearn affection and despo for chi chi. Shayad for loving u i have to lead my whole life as single/divorcee or widow..with M its done. 

Its ok J, u didnt make any commitment to me..But i m committed to u as  bharya..so i cant allow anyone else to touch me except u..maybe u ll say pagal..but let it be..will love to die as ur Bharya this life.

You told anxious R is pain and burden for u now(same J who had told i cant only expect ur love/positive side, u are whole package..even wen u r down i need toaccept and manage u)..u gave up on me now that's where i also lost all strength J.  SO let me just be myself and try to handle this situation of mine..i will try J, if i cant then u think i quit this life..let Jr know her amma tried a lot for her sake but she couldnt.

Everthing is a choice ..i choose u this life completely.. i wish and will ask God a whole life with u atleast one..to give and experince the love in raw form. i wanna give u more love..shower with my affection and make u tired with my passion on bed.

I wish u get all the peace and good health u r looking for.

Thinking about our small house the wayi designed...or imagining staying in a island just farming ..or imagining u coming and taking me on 40th bday sab acha lagta hai..no one can spil the imagination atleast..

Done know where i will head to...repeat ur lipid profile after 3 months..do stress test..consult doctor..R wont be there to push u..hate u idiot for coming in my life and giving up on me so easily.

If u could sleep yesterday not even knowing how i might be doing then u can sleep further too...I would ve been restless if i was in ur place until i know how u were doing. 

Say amma ur bharya wished to come home wearing that Onam saree and take her blessing but couldnt. 

--ur bharya forever..

Letter to BM 2/8/24

 Hey laddu 

Now let me ask some insecure questions 

Conflcting expectations 

It is clear that what you want from our connection and what I want are completely different . I am looking for company and you are looking for a life long companion.

You are always getting responses completely opposite of what you want to hear from me . The expectation of 5 years from now and all is also like a mirage . How you will survive ? 

What value I bring ? 

I don’t fit any criteria of a man you wish for . May be I am just a guy who was just available for you to connect at a given point of a time . I don’t know if AC was around you may not even connect with me . I am saying you would have had a friend and you don’t need me in any manner. So what difference i bring to your life  ? 

Boring phase 

You are exploring my life and may be find it interesting to learn all . Soon you will be exhausted with any channels and may end up bored with me cause you know everything. Once that boring phase kick in will you be able to still stay interested about me . 

Love 

J

Letter to BM 1/8/23

 Hi laddu 

Thank you for your patience . I am looking forward to the day I am gonna meet you again . There are many things I want to tell but let me focus on one thing . 

I dont know whether to feel happy or concerned about all the effort you putting you in . Those efforts at some point ( it seems) making you think , what is the whole point of all this effort if I cannot win the trophy . That thought putting you in loop and daily you or me getting into some kind of arguements. I have no suggestions towards as I know I am the reason for your state . 

Thanks you again , love 

J

Waiting for J's letter- since 15 days

 J,

I miss ur letters re..its been 15 days u said its time to go and no letter after that.

I know u r busy with work..but i keep checking blog daily once i wake up.

U used to say..u will keep writing and posting stories if i go no matter what ..i see or not..

hmm...i really wish u would persuade me again(was happy wen u said that)

i m sorry for whatever i told u today about past especially.. J, i m not diff re to love without expectation..i m human . I am in terrible pain..i m giving u also the pain.

i am ready to go through all the hustles to spend some time(i know its in hours) with u re. 

As said i will ask u daily 'will u take me home?' , our home-chinna ellu...

Not sure the day will come before i day.

hope you will write to me soon..

Waiting

R

Helpless Bharya 24 july 24

Dear J,

I never felt itna helpless like today with regards to u...u r sick and apart from hearing i can't do anything...i can't take care of u...cook good food for u...

I can understand with the tone of ur voice itself how much u r in pain. I just hope it's nothing severe and u should be ok by tmrw...

Yes answer is NEver... enough is enough nahi lagega mujhe till i m alive .i don't want to...the day i quit ya lose should be my last day on earth.

I m trying to call u to check..looks like 1 number is not reachable backup u r not receiving.. yes i m kinda worried.. except waiting for u to come back i cant do anything..

Ur helpless 

Bharya ❤️