Letter to J 01/06/24

 Dear J,

You asked me ' how was ur day? ' , 'r u ok?' wen u called me an hour before. Now i don't know i should lie ya tell u honestly how i felt.

No i m not ok...how day went - it went by just thinking and thinking with some pain and heaviness in heart..heart is still paining ..felt this again after long time ..now by saying all these i don't want u to think its bcoz of u.. Wanna say one last time everything before i shut myself..

But ya one thing i understood i deserve this pain and shayad aur balance hai which i might get in future... when I was shattered and almost a year jan 23 to jan 24 until u entered in my life again i was in the most painful era of my life bcoz of AC. All i was thinking is i have to go through it and its a punishment for wat i did to D maybe, breaking someone's heart... but from 4 months i was in different world and from past 2 months most happiest era of my life tha until yesterday.

Broken pieces of heart was glued by u , not only glued but all the marks were hided by wonderful painting on it with ur love. Yesterday wen u yelled at me and baar baar saying kitna pareshan karte ho yaar just reminded me a year ago June 2023 wen AC shouted at me for 1st time...he was ghosting mr ya avoiding me brfore it. so the impact was like falling from 10th floor.. but with u its like 100th floor...why?

1. Bcoz my J always condemned ACs act saying how could he do that to u ..u don't deserve it.

2. Wen i said its ok loved ones show frustration on closed ones..which  J said no its not correct as i ve experienced it before and i know how it takes 

3. I still remember the day during 4.1 wen i said thodasa very thoda sa high tone mein arey i ve ordered 2 Zomato order ya kuch...can u please watch ur tone..aise jor se baath math karo na u said..tho yesterday today urs tone is like thunder striked on me bcoz i was least expecting it especially wen u going away of my reach for few days.

U saying yesterday i was 1 hour with u today 1 hour again still u saying 15min 30 mins kya hai ye tho i felt maybe i m bothering u .. forcing u to talk..for me quality matters than quantity re..

1.wen i said dedicated 30 mins yest it was to enjoy and relive 4.0 together. If u aren't comfortable in public just say can v do later ya kuch..

2. After so many days no access to u will be hard for me right? Even sun wen M around thinking v cant talk later karke i used to just go for cycling ya walk in garden for an hour and dil bharke itna ache se v used to gossip ya pyaar se bath karte and rest of day was gone till i see u next day..

Today: yest i had asked i may not be able to talk to u ya see u for 2 days and can u go to washroom and call ( i was thinking M ll come to pick u and can come near baggage) before going..u said y washroom i can talk aram se outside and go, M not coming..so i was in the impression that u ll wait talk to me and go ... then wen u said already in train i got thousands thoughts like there won't be network properly, u ll reach soon, with people around u won't be comfartable VC...so i asked y u didn't stat..u were like wat u want to talk ..pls talk talk ..wen i say 15 mins it's just pyaar se 4 words ..were i can see u to my heart content, ya u saying ladoo.. stupid .. teasing each other that's all re..

As u put in status its big change for me too.. can't msg u, call u how much ever badly i need..so before going in that mode maybe i wanted a strong dose like a tight hug be it yest ya today.

Wen u called me now at night also like even v spoke for 4 mins u were mostly giving updates which i already saw in insta instead may be for me i missed the J who used to say ' yen madta ediya, ota ayta ' as soon as i call him ya giving me ummhaa( My 1st night after long without ur umhhaaaa.)...if u were out can turned on video for a min if possible else i thought if u wanted to see me would ve asked for a pic atleast as i didn't upload any from morning..

So all day i was thinking is as AC said am i attention seeker?

I don't need anything big things re...as u used to say choti choti cheeso mein ya in gestures i find my happiness re..so if u could say papa pms wait for another 30 mins and did chi chi with me ya spoke to me 15 mins abd then taken a train those things matters a lot for me re..ll feel u did for me willing re..

Today i felt litterly i beg and u saying kitna pareshan karti ho , how much ever u do is not enough ya y u cant do wat u want to do..ye sab se bohat boora laga re... I wasn't aware of shifting too, thought plan got changed as u ve house warming party at 2pm. 

I kept wondering y my Jbis behaving aise from morning..is it bcoz of the changes ya u want to be 100 percent with M and me being around is influencing..so i didn't put any status too re..felt let u enjoy with all..( may be i didn't wanted to show my swollen eyes and face to u shayad, anyway no one noticed i m good after..but only my pillow knows what's going on inside)..

Its not End of world..mar nahi jaunga na ..cant u wait, as said kal se heart paining a lot ...abhi nhi... sometime i feel mein hi marr jaungi.kabhi mujhe kuch hua tho humesha yaad rakhna no one would love u like me ya be ur deewana ya pagal for u ..

But these 2 days u felt shayad my love was overbearing and too much for u ya doing something saying no to me is a burden which came out yest ya today conversation...

Congratulations to u both on ur new house. 

I called pimplico, he said acct team confirmed money deducted twice mostly ll be refunded by tmrw..

Wen u put ikea status saying u out without M i thought u giving some signal for me to message ya call ..so i messaged saying ik deployment which is ongoing...

V r sleeping on floor 1st time in this house..will shift tmrw..went out for dinner to celebrate p bday .. tenants just shifted their stuffs and they ll come tmrw..

I m really sorry J for everything 🙏

Good night J 

With lot's of hate

R

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