Letter to Laddu 28/5/2024

 Hey Laddu 

i could have planned to have that 30 mins with you . I agree. but you were with me in that call from where i could have pulled the 30 mins from that call. if stepped down you suggest that some one else could have stitch that call together. With pappa he was ready since 4:30 to go out, every 10 mins he was asking can we go as we agreed to leave by 5 PM.  yes i could have told him that i have a call until 5:30 , something urgent. Yes it didnt came to my mind. i thought i could call and tell you that even we planned to connect at 6:30 , because of the call it couldnt happen and i wanted to go now, Pappa is waiting. 

Yes, i agree you could have done the other way, but i could not. i couldnt put you first and find some time for you even because of the damn call. 

and you are finding this instance as my priority ranking for you. yeah i failed this and may be not even in the rank list. i have no excuses this time. i accept that i put other things/people ahead of you. i put you down. i have no excuses and no reason to explain what i did. 

i am sorry for making you feel this way. you dont deserve such treatment. May be you are showing the side of me where i realize that i dont value my dearest people as much as i say. when the slightest stress point comes then i jeopardize them. i may need to reevaluate my priorities and do it on a constant basis. 

thank for teaching me this today. Hope you can give me one more chance to show that how dear you are to me and how i regard you. How i cherish you , may be i am not able or some times not trying to show it. 

May be i am also a taker actually and not a giver , i think. 

It is true that something related to work comes in i just ignore you or treat you some times like a stranger it happened couple of times. I know it is not a virtue of mine. May be i am not a pleasant experience to work with or even to live with. I am surviving a relationship with M cause it is long distance, if i start living with her, we will split up for sure. i am loner and may be that is what i will end up as. May be that is what suits me too. I dont deserve love cause i dont appreciate it . i run away or turn my face when people show me affection. i dont recirprocate . i am just another parasite who just drains the affection and get fatten up. 

i guess eventually you will get fed up off me and call it a day cause all i am giving you is disappointment and grief. All the efforts you put in today i didnt even acknowledge it.  

i have nothing else to say other than an Apology ( which i am doing daily these days). 

i dont deserve you.. 

bye 

J