Letter to J

Hey J,

I read in insta 'Love is someone seeing the absolute worst side of you & still loving you", so 2 deaf ears or your past mistakes or knowing about who u r doesnt make any differnce. I hate u for who u r.

Its not draining ya I am tired..u just wished to see me in a saree in that cubord i just wore the saree which u had asked earlier the next day..i can go on re..divorce ka aise hi i was teasing u yest...but today i was feeling as u said bharya is the extended role i ve built in my mind addition to being ur friend and ring is a commitment that will around(no the ring for me was will be ur girl or what 7 promises i did).

yes i will be happy if i could spend rest of my life with u in real..but woh nahi hoga we know that..that pain agony void will always be there...

Was watching 4.2 pics yesterday...i hadnt seen them yet...mera itna drishti laga..can i ever be with u aise hi forever is wat i was thinking..

One of the promise i made is be the reason for ur happiness. I dont want even my enemy to feel the pain i m going through..it really hurts and aches..my heart pains..then how i wish that u should go through it ya feel all the pain again.

AC while scolding had asked kabhi kisine reject nahi kiya hoga tumhe ya heartbreak kya hai karke nahi pata hai..today i felt it re how the rejection would be wen u said sorry not to hurt u but i cant be with u kabhi..as u ll not be in correct state of mind after hurting people again..its true too..SO rejection, heartbreak sab feel hua..I thought this is wat D might have also felt wen i told him..cant come with u.. irony of my life is i choose family then wen guy was ready and now ready to leave everything behind but guy is not avaialble..J dont get me wrong re..just penning my thoughts...i sometimes think re..saying exactly wat i m feeling will eventually hurt u ya u might feel its bcoz of u...

Its not bcoz of u re..either my karma,have to go through it or i dont ve the ability to handle my emotions. Its not easy too right? as said no one other than u can understand..v went to eat mastani walking all the way i was just thinking about u..so icould feel i might be alive but not live the life ya enjoy that moment.. i was wishing kaash u were here or i was with u.

2 things u wanted before we go ahead with SG trip:

1. Our connections with Ms shouldnt  change

2. whatever is the situation v have to stay around.

I failed with no.1 re..i had fell for u even before coming to SG, even before seeing u in real ya touching u..but day by day the connection grew deeper for me..i never felt aise before kisi se..u might ve thought AC ke saath kiya hai tho ye bhi same hoga..no u r different for me..

ya i told many times today AC ko hug karke sab kuch batana hai wat i m going through..also missed him...not to show u i cant vent out in front of u or u not the shoulder..but i dont know y really felt talking to him and share everything.

M came from office and while having food he was saying a incident. "his peer ka last day tha 2 days back right so M had interviewed a guy from M's friends office..yest VP round was also over and he was selected. but yest night he wife and 2 year old daughter while going in bike met with an accident..wife spot dead..baby and he are critical state." M was saying kuch bhi ho sakta hai kabhi..ya i said life is uncertain.

This put me in spiral thoughts..plan was to go with annual membership for club..then 3 years membership were getting in 2 years price..while M was asking shall v buy 3 years..i was clueless re will i be here only till 3 years..like i dont know..but we were planning for next 3 years...

Also thoughts like life is so short wat is the point of living a life with a mask on it instead live how u want to..wish to..

But as u said for others happiness, for Ms, JRs, all parents, siblings and moreover for Js peace i need to maybe sacrifice on wat i wish ya want to have..Anyway i m not in peace now and will not be either if I choose u at others cost ..so better stop thinking about it as happiness of others will be saved atleast.

i m so sleepy and typing..ignore if any typo....

Life is complex..hmm

You take proper rest over weekend..take care..

i closed my eyes on sofa with this open..let  me close..

Yest u asked gift from salary, as always said from u i only wanted u always..nothing else..

sorry for saying,  purpose of earning is doing all for family and not to enjoy the world with R..i was pulling ur leg..u , ur money and u know it better...u r diff J..taking care of others...good...!! hope u ll not say kabhi u invested on me too (wat u spent on adventures) 

i know chi chi wasnt great today..sorry forruining it with my emotions...

Enjoy ur weekend! good night 

i saw ur post now about Ms' UTI..u were prepping for weekend chi chi by grooming..hmm..i know u r disappointed..may be after 3 days..

its 2 weeks since u dropped me home and went back..

work wise ur things will settle if u give a week or 2..dont take stress and Cbre/google i know ll feel weird a bit with all locals around. SG was like home for u now..

love,

R