Letter to BM 8/4/2023

 Hey B 

I want to tell you something and let me try doing it by staying in the best spirits of mind. After reading it I would request you to reflect on it before attaching any emotion to it. Please think using all your rationality(mind) rather than your heart. 

corner stone of our connection is always friendship. you were a great freind to me more than anything.having said that we have came a long way in a very short time. Now there is a long road ahead of us to explore. I hope we can stay connected the way we are but still stay positive always. even if we dont get to spend time together much in near future the passion for each other need to push us forward. On those moments where I miss you I want to focus on what I am working on related to job or my career growth, which means I dont want to feel dull for a single moment cause I am missing you. I dont want to be on that side. I want to focus and work hard looking forward to a day where I get to hold you. I may stop and recall a memory of yours in my mind but I want to push on to put myself on a position to be with you when possible. this we spoke already.. 

but what i wanted to tell you is something else. I dont know it make sense at all. please stay with me while you read the below. 

it is about the frequency/intensity of the love I shall have for M. as a person I am ( just as you) I cannot engage with half heart. I can only go 100% or nothing. So when I say I want to stay full on with M it is just the way I love someone. I can do that. When I am with M I want to give my all else I cant

Now with you as we move along in our journey it can be the same 100% or may be 200% ( burst mode), cause again 1. I cant do it any other way 2, I may not have you all the time with me.It is what it is, it is the circumstances we are in and the experience we been through which defines certain things. we cant change it however we may wish. please take it in the right spirit. It is nothing to do with the effort and passion you bring in but it is due to the burden of our lives and  emotions already embedded in our lives from our past.  so if you find me saying things which makes you feel that you are not special ( such as the stick thing today), please don't take it literally. You are super special to me. 

Also please consider ( please)  my expectation from you. Even if you give me 10% of what you are giving me I will be content. I am setting my expectations as low as possible so that 1. I dont want to burden you much, 2. I will have a peace of mind even I dont have you around. 3. I hope someday you will calibrate ( I selfishly wish not though) yourself on the love for me and I will not feel guilty that I am not giving you back enough. 

I would request you to take it slow, your efforts , your passion. My heart is content. let us get ready for the long run. please consider me as one of the priority and not the priority. I am not pushing you away or something. please don't think that way. All I am saying I am yours in what ever way possibly and always will be. you dont even have to try even 10% to Make me yours. 

Last , we can enjoy these moments cause of the great work we put in last year without which we for sure would not have been around and we never could have had these moments. what I am saying is  in your case your other duties come first and also same with me. I can hang around dear. I dont need much. you just look for me when you need me and I will respond always. I want you to always remember this. If you get busy stay busy whole day it is fine. just ignore me. it is fine. I can take it.  when you find time just respond to my blog here when possible. that is enough for me. 

To add on above said things ( and future adventures) are all achievable or possible only we hit the goals in our life being it a great career, money and everything associated with it. we need to put our efforts on achieving greatness. we need to use our passion and energy to propel ourselves to new heights as individuals I believe.  

I would suggest even if we have only few days left ( with or without the contract) , we need to focus on what need to be done. we need to take up the time boxing option more actively. I will start hitting work more often to make it more easier. please be with me on this journey. 

Now I dont know I am have done saying what I wanted to say, I think I covered most of it. 

And yeah, I always think that you are a passionate stupid individual who know only to love, care and give and daring, bold to express that to whom you feel connected at any cost/challenges. You give first and think next. I also think by doing that you make yourself vulnerable. 

Now never again ask/Say me what I think about you...  I dont think much.. you are what you are and I accept ( whatever I know about you) and need you "AS-IS"

Hates and hugs 

J