Letter to J- 25-06-24

 Hey J,

Good that urs and M ka patch up hua without much drama..

Trying to get used to time boxing thing..more audio call(though desperately i wish to see u..i control thinking u might not be in a position ya i keep wondering maybe its only me who wants to see u, u wont feel the same) i need to support you and i will. I am tracking the time as u wanted to know where u spent time..

morning call--30 mins

afternoon-40 mins

Evening 20 + 50 mins

I was missing you so was reading ur and M's chat today..

So understood more about u, how u felt.

i really felt bad, biggest decision of life like divorce u did alone, couldnt even share it to M while signing.

Hmmm, i just wished in future tumhe kabhi ye situation na aaye and I wish i will be there for u when u want to share anything.

Hmm few similarities I found..5 years thing u told M too, cant come and  stay with u, whenever u admired her body. Few dialogues which u say to me now...

Hmm..all this will again and again make me think i am just another episode. Nothing different, nothing special..  in 1st place i shouldnt expect ..

Ya u asked who approves the budget, no one..All i wish is my J spent all his life repaying loan, asissiting others(i m not saying its wrong, u feel good u do it ) so now i want him to spend for him without thinking twice ya hesitating, be it buying any stuffs or travelling. So i never want u to spend anything extra by delayig booking ya choosing suite(so i told u normal room also fine, suite i thought u would like to have in sofa so).

i keep wandering y i keep asking u minute details..be it conversation with P, M ya with papa..maybe i am trying to put myself in that place and try to experience wat u ve felt..dont know how much irritating it will be for u if i keep repeating.. 

ya sometimes u will not tell in detail and sometimes u do..so maybe i am confused.

eg: u jh and dh in street even each diaogue u explained 

But today u said M made dosa..i was wondering suddenly dosa kaise banaya..kuch pre hua hoga na..like later u said she came looking for u, u went and stood in kitchen..i had to ask in detail tho mujhe ajeeb lag raha tha..

maybe i need to stop digging and absorb only wat u feed...kya karu with u talking itna adat hua hai i go deep..in that process i keep asking question..

Hmm..u asked me will u wait for 5 years..I dont know J people change..Even u had told M how crazy are you for her, same with me to M i will stay karke but we outgrew love with him..But tumhara saath mera alag hai..as said i never loved anyone the way i loved u..mera soulmate maana...mera mirror..u said na u just smile it will reflect on my face...i will wait dear 5 years nahi jyada hi...all i wish is i get to spend atleast few years of my life poora with u..kitna din nasseb mein hai pata nahi..but ya my WISH!

Tooth pain ya dil ka pain once started no turning back..te pleasure i might get will be with the pain..so need to accept it..

So if i count our arguments its 3 times(2 while coming to london, 3rd when u were going to google office and i called u while u were in train) so all 3 bcoz of ur uncomfortable in public which i didnt realise initially.

You said marrying M was the regret and dont know where it would go..at times i feel i am the culprit for coming in ur life..U had settled..Ghar, google job sab was in the plan..if i go away shayad u will be in peace with M..ur home, ur family karke bohat lagta hai re...down the line after years M ke saath disconnect hona pada tho u might feel connecting with me was also the regret of ur life..let me remain as best seasons of ur life not a regret.