Letter to BM 27/6/2024

 i dont you need this .. but then i will write , that is all i can do 

Hey R , Laddu 

you take your time but do come back, please don't leave me hanging for long. 

i am not going to comment on your approach to love hence i will let you experience it the way you want but let me just say one thing. Love is definitely about putting the partner above everything else. 

you are walking this talk to the dot. as i said i wish i could do the 10% you do. i often go to opposite direction and take you for granted on certain occasions or may be most of the time. i have no excuses that i am not reciprocating anything. i did told about this from the beginning and at this point it is bit unbearable for you that i am making choices which is not ideal. choices i am forced to take due to my circumstances. you were right when you said when i am with others i behave different. 

i could have done better and i know i exhausted all my chances by hurting you again and again. 

but dear, you must know another aspect of love is to be there even when you dont get what you expect. 

i went through the same emotions you go through with M. i loved her to the bone but she was cold to me. i was not even a priority even she told that i am not the priority. i burned in love with her. and that fire eventually destroyed the deep desire for her. i kinda buried my love. i got conditioned. now i am with her to provide the right amount of love she needs. not more or less. 

we all need to stay happy and most important thing ( let me tell you) is finding that happiness within you. it is hard earned lesson. yes you will go numb if you do that. but there is no other way. you are right to say that it is 100% or nothing. so then dear, then there is a long journey ahead of you to learn it. again it is your choice you dont want to learn to love others the way they are and no a mirror of you in dimensions of love. 

Now i start imagining parallels on your journey with AC. May be he walked away cause it was not possible him to let you experience the pain of this journey. i just wish that the journey with him groomed you to prepare your mind to open with caution

but then you went all in with me and you didn't consider the side effects neither i cautioned you or i was earlier in a bettercircumstances to move with you. 

this is an adjustment you will make in due time. i wish good luck and my apologies on putting you in this position. 

i dont have words to console you or comfort you. please recover soon. 

you take care 

with absolute numbness 

J 

I just imagine that

 you are there in a room crying your hearts out or looking at the wall and wondering what is wrong with yourselfi am in that room looking at you standing at one corner, i want to tell that everything will be ok. want to tell you i did things or made choices cause i had to do what is best for the situation yes it seems or really it is i took for granted but the truth is i wanted to be with you but i just couldn't but i will remain silent cause my words wont make any change or wont make you feel betterall i can do is just stay there for you to turn back at look at me , look at me just once so that you can see how sorry i am. how i am broken to make you cry.