Letter to BM 16/6/2024

 hey Laddu 

thank you for pouring out your heart. 

I hope that gives you some relief from the agony you are experiencing. 

But first let me thank you for your love laddu. 

I never deserve to receive anything from you 

but you are giving me more than there is to offer. 

but i dont want you pushing yourself will take you to a point 

where you cannot even talk to me in future. 

It is true with such emotions you can only be full on 

else you wont feel alive or experience it in its true form 

your emotional and physical needs from a partner need to be satisfied 

it is quite normal long time partners loose that spark eventually 

and settle into a routine which they both are comfortable. 

As you said May be M is settling into that rhythm 

but for me and my M we are just starting 

we are just starting our life together under a roof of our own

i guess we will also reach a stage where we might hit the same plateau 

but again our connection is like as if we are strangers already 

i mean, we talk just enough so we might survive the plateau phase ( in future)

just saying connection levels are different for different people. 

with you i can share anything, can talk for hours without a topic 

also argue or discuss about things in length 

also the physical urge to have you is also is strong 

is this affecting my connection with M 

Answer i dont want to , i want to keep it separate. 

i dont want to confuse things and suffer and all 

I been there where you are now and it is not a good state. 

the only person who can help you is you 

you may need to train your mind on this 

then you say you might go zero level and 

will not be able to have the same passion for me

This may be you need to try it out. may be it could be possible

i believe you could love me different from M and at the same time 

Not hurt yourself. i dont know it will work but please try i suggest

i can wait for you to evolve and learn this part of yourself. 

but from my experience you will survive that low phase 

you will be able to love me again but it will be in a different level 

may be not this deep but then you will still be able to 

but not like the way you love M , there will be a difference.

Same happened with me towards M. i had that possessive deep love before at first 

but then it changed, it turned into let her be happy kinda love. i will just witness her life kinda love.

hence i think even when you are with M, i can take it 

you might then ask me " you love for me is not deep enough" 

my answer is ,i do love you but i dont want that to hurt me. 

i care for you but i cannot do that if i am suffering 

Your dreams and wished about setting up our own place some day 

i am not in a position to dream about such things. 

who knows, down the line after 5 years we still share the same passion for each others 

then we can reevaluate , but breaking another persons heart and home is something 

i need to find whether i have the energy and courage for that. 

may be your love might feed into that. 

i dont want to hang you on any promises which i dont have any control 

even i dont want to think too much ahead about anything even my life . 

i want to live this moment to max in whatever way possible 

bottom line , i am not saying may be what you want to hear

but all i am saying is i am with you in this journey 

i love you my laddu with all i have got (even that is not enough i know) 

i only got words for now and a virtual presence in your life 

i dont know that will be enough to feed your physical and emotional needs 

i am not sure dear . for me i wake up every day with 0 needs. 

when i get something above 0 i am already happy 

if i dont get it even i am happy 

finally dear, let me remind you. your happiness is within you

nobody owns it , dont let anybody own it. dont give it to a stupid guy like me 

let me conclude with a line from the movie 

"there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours. Your Hope and heart"..

May be my heart is not stone, it is just that i hope and pray today is the day i wont let anything or anyone get to me. not make me sad or cry or put me in agony. 

cause i am the master of my soul and mind. i control them and not the other way around. i want to be happy and i choose to be happy. 

i may not be happy but i will make sure that i not sad. 

May be i am giving some dumb advice. it is just that i worked for me.